I understand now...

There are a lot of things that I never understood about why people do the things they do.

I understand now.

I wish I didn't. I wish I could have continued being ignorant, but that is not the case.

I was watching a show a while back and this group of ladies was talking about a girl that had passed away. Each of these ladies (mom, sister, and friends) had some sort of charm with some of the girl's ashes in it. They all went on and on about how they wanted to do that so they could feel close to this girl. So they could feel like she was always with them. I thought to myself, "That's kind of odd to carry her ashes around everywhere you go. Don't they understand that she's not there? It's her ashes and nothing else. Her spirit, who she is, is somewhere else." I didn't understand.

I've been to cemeteries and seen graves with a lot of decorations (not just flowers); and heard of people visiting their loved one, not just on a special day or two, but multiple times through the week or month. They visited because they wanted that person to know they weren't forgotten and that they were still cared about. Again, I thought, "Don't these people realize that it is just a body in a grave. Their spirit is not there. That person is not there and doesn't care if you visit or decorate their grave." I didn't understand.

I understand now.

When a friend of mine made me that photo necklace, she offered to put a little vial on it to put something in. Though I didn't take her up on that offer, the thought crossed my mind to have it to put some of Hope's hair in. I wanted to feel like she was close to me. I wanted to feel like she was with me. Sounds familiar doesn't it? What I had once criticized others for thinking, I was now thinking myself. I understand now. I wish I didn't, but I do. I didn't take my friend up on the offer for a vial, but I do have my penny necklace with Hope's name stamped on it that I wear almost all of the time. If it's not that, it is other pieces of "Hope" jewelry that friends and family have given me. I carry her with me everywhere. When I sleep, I have her teddy bear and/or blanket with me. I need to feel her close to me. I understand now.

I went about a month before visiting Hope's grave after her funeral and I felt bad that I hadn't gone sooner. I felt like I had neglected her. I wanted to visit her on Christmas day and to bring her something, but didn't get the chance. I felt like I had let her down. When we did visit a couple of days later, the two graves next to Hope's had decorations and gifts. Hope's grave looked so cold and empty. So alone. It made me feel even worse that I had not made it out on Christmas day with a gift for her. That I had not followed through with my desire to decorate her grave. I know that she doesn't care if I come visit her a lot. I know that she doesn't care if I bring things to her grave. She is in Heaven now and as happy as can be. My head knows that, but my heart tells me otherwise. I understand now.

I understand the need to hold on to anything that reminds me of Hope and to keep it close. I understand the need to visit her grave and to decorate it for special occasions or just because.

I wish I didn't. I wish I was still ignorant. But I'm not. I understand now.

There are still things that people do when they are grieving that I would not personally do. But I understand. Everyone grieves differently. Who am I to judge how they deal with their grief, as long as they are dealing with it. Who are you to judge?

If you do not understand... be thankful. If you do understand, know that you are not alone. I understand, and there are unfortunately many, many others that also understand. And more importantly than that, God understands. He willingly sent His Son to this cruel, sin-cursed earth to die for your sins so that you wouldn't have to. He sacrificed His Son, so that your precious child could spend an eternity in Heaven with Him. And those of us who have accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior have that wonderful, blessed assurance of seeing our sweet babies again some day. If you have not yet accepted Christ as your Savior, I would love to tell you how; so that one day, you too, can see your sweet baby again.

Psalm 34:18,19, & 22b "The Lord is night unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord deliverth him out of them all... and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."