A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today I fell in love for the second time. This time it was with my precious baby who had already been growing inside of me for 10 days. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Friday, March 11, 2011

I woke up early today so that I could take the pregnancy test before Nathan got out of bed. I was so excited. This could be the day! It seemed like a really long wait for the results.

Two lines! It was positive!

I couldn't believe it! I was actually pregnant. I had been waiting for this moment for so long! I was ecstatic.

I had to calm down though, because I wanted to come up with a really neat way to surprise Nathan. I got straight in the shower to give myself another 20 minutes to calm down.

I pulled it off. Nathan had no clue! He left for work, so now I had about 8-9 hours to figure out what I was doing.

My first idea was that I was going to show him a picture of myself with an arrow pointing to my belly. So I got my camera put on self-timer and took my picture. 

Well, it's Friday, so even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I went grocery shopping (Friday was my shopping day back then). I went as fast as I could and had such a hard time not telling everyone I passed - the cashier, some random lady in the parking lot... I made it through Winco, dropped my stuff off at home and then headed to Wal-Mart to print off my picture (and look and baby stuff!). 

While I was there, I picked up a cute pair of white baby shoes. Our baby's first pair of shoes. That was my second idea. Wrap up the baby shoes and give them to Nathan. 

Neither one of these ideas really seemed like the right one. What could I do? It had to be special. It finally hit me around noon. 

I'd make a video for Nathan with pictures from the beginning of our relationship until now, ending with the above picture with an arrow pointing to my belly and the picture of the positive test. 

That was it! It was perfect! 

I spent the next few hours (I'm not sure how long it took, but it took a long time) making this video. Nathan called around 5 or 6 to tell me he was going to be late. Good, I have some more time to make this perfect. It took much longer than I thought it would have and it was still not finished when he got home. I told him some story to distract him and sent him off to take a LONG shower. It worked. He still had no clue. 

It was finally finished! Not quite perfect, because the pictures went by a little too fast, but it still worked. Nathan sat through the whole slide show believing that this was a random thing I had decided to do (I do enjoy making them, so it was not an unbelievable story). It got to the end, and I think he was in shock. 

"Seriously?" 

That was the first thing he said. He, too, was very excited! We probably sat on the couch for 30 minutes or so just talking and dreaming. Looking forward to the day when we could hold our baby in our arms. And of course, celebrating with sparkling cider and ice cream. :-) 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

As you all know, those dreams did not come true. Hope died before we ever got to see her or hold her. But she has changed our lives forever. She is and always will be a part of this family. It's been almost 4 months since she was born and I am still struggling with this loss. 4 months might seem like a long time for some of you. And I'm sure many of you probably think we should just move on. It's not going to happen. We will never be the same. This is something we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. We will learn to cope with it, yes, but we will never get over it. 

Psalm 55:6-8 "And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would i wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest."