Christmas Eve.
How hard are these two days going to be?
My in-laws have been here since the 21st. One thing we like to do with guests is give them a tour of all the funny painted/decorated houses around town. There are quite a few. I've seen them all many times, but it is still entertaining. Especially with some of them having so many yard "decorations," you're always finding something you hadn't seen before.
After we gave them the tour we went to lunch at Taco Bell. It seems like I can't go anywhere without seeing a baby. Just another reminder. I couldn't help but stare at her. I wanted so badly to go over there, pick that little girl up and just hold her for a minute. I wanted to remember what it was like to hold my baby in my arms.
My heart is still broken and my arms ache to hold my baby girl.
I guess I should have known it was going to be like this. I have been frustrated because I thought I was rounding the corner. Not that I was expecting every day from here on out to be good, but I thought I wouldn't be having multiple bad days in row. Yesterday I was very anxious all day. I finally had to go out for a walk. I thought I was going to go crazy sitting at home all day. I'm sure this time of year will always be hard for me now. The other thing that makes it hard right now is that my in-laws came to see the baby and there is no baby to see. Of course, just about everything right now somehow reminds me that Hope isn't here.
We did have a good afternoon, though. After lunch, we went ice skating. We haven't been ice skating in years. Nathan's mom even got out on the ice for a bit. We had some good laughs. Complete with Jennifer (Nathan's sister) and I acting like we were swimming.
My day went downhill from there.
It seems like after I've had a full day with a lot of distractions it all comes back in the evening and it comes back hard. My nerves are on edge and just the slightest thing sets me off. I needed time to myself. I need to cry. I went back to my room and took out my journal and iPod.
I love music. I can't always think to sit and read my Bible. My mind wanders and I'm not getting anything out of it. A few minutes into reading, I realize that I'm not reading anymore. The same thing with prayer. I try to pray, but there is so much going on in my head that after awhile I realize that I haven't been praying. My answer is to listen to music. I have a few of the songs that I've posted in this blog on my iPod. They are my prayer. They encourage me. They are my reminder that I'm not alone. God is with me and He has been with me the whole time. They also remind me that I'm not the only one hurting. I'm not the only one that has dealt with this kind of pain. Others have gone through this and have come out on top. They've gone through trials and used their trials to glorify God.
That is my desire.
That is my prayer.
I want to bring glory to God through this trial.
"Bring the Rain" - Mercy Me
"It never really ever crossed my mind to turn my back on you, oh Lord."
No comments:
Post a Comment