You're Not Helping.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant for anyone in particular. We (those of us in the baby loss community) know that you don't understand and do not expect you to, but we also know that there are those out there that genuinely want to help. This is something that we'd really like to explain to you.

I'm just going to jump right in, because there is really no easy way to say this.

Acting like nothing ever happened DOES NOT HELP. In fact, it makes things worse. Just because our child is no longer with us, does not mean he or she didn't exist. Pretending like it never happened makes us feel even more isolated and alone.

I get it. You're afraid that if you bring up our child, it will make us sad or it will make us cry.  First of all, you can't make us more sad than we already are that our child is not with us.

Here's an easy way to explain this. Parents, particularly those with small children, your child is on your mind practically all of the time, right? It's the same for us. Just because our child is not with us, doesn't mean we don't think about him or her a lot. They will ALWAYS be our children, no matter how long they've been gone.

Here's another thought. As a parent of older children, at what age did your child stop being on your mind all day? I can imagine it's YEARS. So why do people expect us to just move on in MONTHS? Just a thought.

So by trying to ignore what has happened doesn't make us less sad it makes us more sad.

I'm not saying that every time you see me, you bring up my child. But what I am saying is don't act like it never happened and don't expect me to act like it never happened.

Don't know what to say? Words aren't always necessary. Sometimes just a hug or a handshake is all that's necessary. For instance: there's a man I know. He hasn't mentioned Hope in quite awhile, but almost every time I see him, he comes up to me and gives me a hug and a knowing look. He doesn't have to say anything. He remembers Hope and he remembers me. And I appreciate him for it.

Words are good too. If you really do want to say something, just tell the person you're thinking about them and that you're praying for them. It's encouraging and they'll appreciate it. This is particularly true during holidays or special dates (birthdays or "death days").

And lastly. Mother's Day and Father's Day. It doesn't help to exclude us, but "Happy Mother's Day" or "Happy Father's Day" isn't quite what we want to hear. Believe me, it's not a happy day. The best thing you can do is to do as I stated above. Simply say, "I'm thinking about you and praying for you today."

To all that took the time to read this, I think I speak on behalf of of everyone in this community - thank you.

"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope."