Now before I go on, please remember that there is a big different between happiness and joy.
For those of you who have been through what we have, you probably understand where I'm going with this. As fantastic of a vacation as it was, Hope was always on our minds. We'd be laughing, having a good time, and then just look at each other knowing we were both thinking the same thing - "I wish Hope were here with us." It's hard to completely enjoy anything when there is such a sadness surrounding you and weighing you down.
I feel that it's somewhat easier to go through our day to day lives without getting too down. Day to day life wasn't something I necessary "planned" for while pregnant. But I dreamed of outings and vacations and all sorts of fun things to do with her. None of those things will be a reality now. And that realization is very difficult to deal with.
It's the same thing with holidays (even minor ones like the 4th of July). I was pregnant last 4th of July and I remember sitting there waiting for the fireworks thinking, "This time next year, we'll have our little baby with us. She'll be 7 1/2 months old. I can't wait!" But instead, I sat waiting for the fireworks with no baby in my lap watching everyone else cuddle with their children. It's so very, very difficult.
Life goes on, but in a way, it feels like our lives have come to a complete stop. We must now learn how to live life all over again. To live life with a pain that will never completely go away.
"Loved with a love beyond telling. Missed with a grief beyond all tears."
"Loved with a love beyond telling. Missed with a grief beyond all tears."
Our Vacation
