From Where I Stand

I've had a couple of people comment about not seeing any new blog posts recently. I guess things have just been the same. Good days, bad days, up and down. I stay busy with my businesses and my Hope page. Ya'll don't need to be board by my day to day life.

Life goes on, though I still feel like my world has come to a screeching halt. It's been about 2.5 months since Hope passed away. I don't think it ever really gets any easier. I think you just start to learn how to deal with the pain. There is never a day and very few moments where I do not think about my daughter and what could have been. I miss her dearly.

I'm sure some people feel like it's been long enough. It's time for us to get back to all of the things we used to do.  I'm here to say, that 2.5 months is not a long time. The pain is still very close.

My heart is broken. 2.5 months cannot fix that.

I'm very thankful for the people that God has placed in my life. My husband is an amazing support and comfort to me. My best friend has been a God-send. And I've met two other angel mommies that I can't even begin to say how much they've encouraged me through this last month. And I'm thankful that the people who have said the wrong thing, are few and far between.

For those of you who want to know What You Should (and Shouldn’t) Say to Someone Who has Lost a Baby, that is a well written blog post you should check out.

I try to visit Hope at least once a week. Again, it is something that I never understood before (visiting and decorating a grave), but I do it. She's still my daughter. And though I know she isn't here any more, it's one of the ways I grieve. In some weird way, it makes me feel better visiting her and bringing things to make her grave not look so empty.

I actually visited Hope three times last week. The third visit, I went because a friend of mine had stopped by and left a rose for Hope. That was all the reason I needed to go out for another visit. It meant so much to me that she took time out of her day to visit my precious daughter.

I seem to end up at the cemetery at sunset almost every time. As I stand there, I look behind me to see the beautiful picture God has painted in the sky. I know He is there with me. I know He still loves me. I know He is still carrying me through.

The view from where I stand.

 

Psalm 42:5 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance."

Remembering...

One of my new pasts times is editing photos of Hope. I could stare at her pictures for hours. I thought I'd just share a few of those with you (or maybe a lot of them).

Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my baby girl. The days are slowly getting easier, but there are still some rough times. One day at a time. 

Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord."

Visiting Hope

I try to visit Hope's grave at least once a week. I've been wanted to bring something to decorate her grave with but haven't found anything until recently. I was very disappointed that I didn't get around to it for Christmas. We all went a few days after Christmas and the two graves next to hers were decorated. Hope's grave just looked so cold and lonely.  

Last Monday (1/9/12), I visited Hope with a friend of mine and finally brought her something. I found this "Love" piece at Michael's and had to get it. I do love my baby girl! The heart w/ a bird on it came from my friend. 

I Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:"

I might not have been able to keep Hope, but I prayed for her and God gave her to me. She was God's gift to me and I will cherish her forever.

I will always love you, Hope Ann Lewis!

Real life

1/3/12

The holidays are over and it's back to real life. I was not ready for this. It was another hard day. The original plan was for me to go back to work as a nanny, but it didn't end up working out that way. I think, in the end, it's a blessing. In a way, I would have liked to have gone back to work. But I know that I'm not ready yet. I think it's for the best.

I went to visit Hope today. It was a very hard day. I miss her so much. I don't remember how long I stayed at the cemetery, but it was quite awhile. When I finally got in the car to go, I couldn't leave. I was crying so hard., I wouldn't have been able to see to drive. I sat in my car for another good 15 minutes just crying and looking at her grave. I didn't want to leave her. I know that it is just her body there. Her soul, what makes her who she is, is in Heaven now. But I feel close to her there.

As I'm sitting in the car, I look down at my feet and notice something. I bent over to pick it up. It was a  little angel. It belongs on an anklet, but it had fallen off a few weeks ago and I couldn't find it. Of all the days and places to find it. I felt like it was God's timing. God reminding me that my baby was with Him. That she is perfect and happy now. I still miss her like crazy, but at least I know she is taken care of and I will see her again someday.

1/4/12

Four days in and 2012 is still not looking good. I can't get out of this slump.

I spend a lot of time working on my new community page on Facebook talking to other women that have also lost a child. It is encouraging to know that I'm not alone. It is also encouraging to know that I can help others. Since I've started my blog and my Facebook page, I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from others saying that they have been helped and encouraged.

Another instance of God's perfect timing.

About a week or so ago, we had a package slip in the mail saying we had two packages waiting for us at the Post Office. When Nathan went to pick them up, they only gave him one. Well, I finally went out to see if it was a typo on the paper or if there was another package for me.

They did have another package for me.

A very dear friend of mine that I haven't seen in awhile sent me this beautiful vase. It was perfect timing. I love it.

This gift came a few weeks back, but it was on another day that I was really struggling.

Angel's Embrace

It reminds me that Hope is in Heaven with the angels. She is not suffering. She is in having a wonderful time singing praises to her Savior.

God knows our every need and He is always watching over us. I'm so thankful He is with me now. I continually see His love through the little blessings and reminders He sends.

Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:17-18 "The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

The New Year

12/31/11

I wasn't really sure what to expect with the coming new year. My other firsts weren't too bad; Hope's due date, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Though I did kind of feel like those first few weeks I was in a fog. Still shocked by what had happened, not wanting to believe it was true.

This day actually went fairly well.

I have somewhat of a collection of "Hope" ornaments now. We decided to go out and get another tree so that next year we can have a Hope tree. Here's my collection so far.

My photo ornament came from Dee's Pretties 

(https://www.facebook.com/DeesPretties).

Before going to bed that night, I decided to check my e-mail. I couldn't believe what I saw. The lady that made the photo ornament of Hope for me wants to start making them for other families who have also lost a child - for free. She wants to call them Ornaments of Hope. Ornaments of Hope because Hope's story is what inspired her to do this and also her (our) desire that these ornaments would give these grieving families hope. Ornaments of Hope will be set up on my Facebook page (www.facebook.com/ourprecioushope) and I will be helping her with orders. I'm glad there is SOMETHING I can do to help these other families. I wish I could do more. 

And back to my roller coaster ride...

I was very excited about helping get Ornaments of Hope started, but by the time I got in bed I was already starting to go back down the other side. 

I really wasn't even thinking about the new year or what that meant. At least not that I remember. I guess I was subconsciously, though. Nathan and I were lying in bed talking when it turned midnight. Right as I heard the first set of fireworks going off, I started crying. The beginning of a new year. The first New Years without my daughter and I was not ready for it. I cried myself to sleep that night. 

1/1/12

Today was not a good day.

I considered skipping church today. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it through without breaking down, but I went anyway. I didn't even make it through the first song. I was crying so hard I had to leave the sanctuary. I can't remember all of the songs that were sung, but I know they all had to do with God is good and faithful. Something I continue to remind myself of daily. I miss Hope terribly, but God is still good. I love the first verse of the song Great is Thy Faithfulness. My God is still the same today as He was in October. He has not and will not change. God is good all the time.

The church we are going to does not have their own building yet and is meeting in the funeral home. The same funeral home were Hope's service was. When I left the sanctuary today, I went to the room were Hope had been. The room where we saw her beautiful face and kissed her sweet cheeks for the last time here on this earth.  I sat on the couch and stared at the place where her body had been and cried. I felt close to her in that room. Six weeks and 3 days. I still miss her like crazy!

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart..."

Great is Thy Faithfulness

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! 

Roller coaster ride

12/28/11

These days, my life feels like a roller coaster ride in the dark. I say it's in the dark, because I can be going through my day doing really well. I'm headed up. Then all of a sudden, with no warning at all, I lose it. I go racing down the other side.

I woke up this day feeling pretty good. My in-laws had left early that morning, and though we enjoyed having them here, I was hoping that with all of our visitors gone maybe life would go back to some kind of normal.

Sometime that morning, I was browsing around on Facebook and saw that another one of my friends from church was pregnant (she makes number 3 right now). That's great! I'm so happy for them, I had actually been starting to wonder. That really was my very first reaction. I was excited for them. Unfortunately, another reaction followed very closely behind that one. I started sobbing. I wanted my daughter back. I miss her so very much! Why is it now that they are all pregnant?

It's amazing how fast a good day can turn bad.

To all of my pregnant friends, especially those at church, I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I really am happy for all of you (though a bit jealous to be completely honest).

Once I had my cry, I decided that I would finally start a community page on Facebook for other families who have also lost a child. It's a place where we can come and tell our stories, share pictures of our babies, and be honest about how we really feel with others that actually understand. It's called Hope: Our journey through miscarriage, stillbirth and SIDS. My day went back up from there. Within an hour, I already had some positive feedback from my new page. Helping people helps me. Through my page, I am able to encourage others and through that I am encouraged.

12/29/11

The followup appointment.

The only thing I have to say about my appointment is that I really like my doctor.

As I hear other people's stores, I am reminded of the many things that I have to be thankful for. One of those, is a good doctor. My doctor is a God-send. When I picked my doctor, I really didn't have anything to go on. I found a list of doctors in town, and all of their bios looked almost identical. The only other thing I had to go on was their picture. As I was browsing through the pictures, I found one particular one, and thought, "He looks nice." I made an appointment with him, and the rest is history. I knew he was the right doctor for me from my first appointment.

Hope was his first stillborn baby, but you never would have known it. He handled everything so well. One particular thing stands out in my mind. After Hope was born, the nurse cleaned her up, handed her to Nathan and quietly left the room. Instead of just leaving, my doctor asked us what we wanted him to do. Did we want him to stay or to leave us alone? I'm not exactly sure why, but we both wanted him to stay in the room with us. I'm sure it was a bit awkward for him, but instead of trying to talk or do anything, he just took a couple of steps back and stood there. That was exactly what we needed him to do. Just be there with us. Then when we were ready, he quietly stepped out of the room.

I thank God for my doctor.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understand. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."