Roller coaster ride

12/28/11

These days, my life feels like a roller coaster ride in the dark. I say it's in the dark, because I can be going through my day doing really well. I'm headed up. Then all of a sudden, with no warning at all, I lose it. I go racing down the other side.

I woke up this day feeling pretty good. My in-laws had left early that morning, and though we enjoyed having them here, I was hoping that with all of our visitors gone maybe life would go back to some kind of normal.

Sometime that morning, I was browsing around on Facebook and saw that another one of my friends from church was pregnant (she makes number 3 right now). That's great! I'm so happy for them, I had actually been starting to wonder. That really was my very first reaction. I was excited for them. Unfortunately, another reaction followed very closely behind that one. I started sobbing. I wanted my daughter back. I miss her so very much! Why is it now that they are all pregnant?

It's amazing how fast a good day can turn bad.

To all of my pregnant friends, especially those at church, I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I really am happy for all of you (though a bit jealous to be completely honest).

Once I had my cry, I decided that I would finally start a community page on Facebook for other families who have also lost a child. It's a place where we can come and tell our stories, share pictures of our babies, and be honest about how we really feel with others that actually understand. It's called Hope: Our journey through miscarriage, stillbirth and SIDS. My day went back up from there. Within an hour, I already had some positive feedback from my new page. Helping people helps me. Through my page, I am able to encourage others and through that I am encouraged.

12/29/11

The followup appointment.

The only thing I have to say about my appointment is that I really like my doctor.

As I hear other people's stores, I am reminded of the many things that I have to be thankful for. One of those, is a good doctor. My doctor is a God-send. When I picked my doctor, I really didn't have anything to go on. I found a list of doctors in town, and all of their bios looked almost identical. The only other thing I had to go on was their picture. As I was browsing through the pictures, I found one particular one, and thought, "He looks nice." I made an appointment with him, and the rest is history. I knew he was the right doctor for me from my first appointment.

Hope was his first stillborn baby, but you never would have known it. He handled everything so well. One particular thing stands out in my mind. After Hope was born, the nurse cleaned her up, handed her to Nathan and quietly left the room. Instead of just leaving, my doctor asked us what we wanted him to do. Did we want him to stay or to leave us alone? I'm not exactly sure why, but we both wanted him to stay in the room with us. I'm sure it was a bit awkward for him, but instead of trying to talk or do anything, he just took a couple of steps back and stood there. That was exactly what we needed him to do. Just be there with us. Then when we were ready, he quietly stepped out of the room.

I thank God for my doctor.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understand. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."