My Hope's with Him

As I read my Bible the other morning I was reminded again that Hope doesn't belong to me. She never did. She was God's from the very beginning. God allowed me to have 9 wonderful months with her and for that I am grateful. Through this whole ordeal, I never once thought "I wish I would never have gotten pregnant." Losing Hope hurts more than anything I've ever gone through, but I would not change the last 9 months for anything. She is my daughter and I love her dearly. I cling to God's promise that I will see her again one day.

"The earth is the Lord's, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein." Psalm 24:1

~November 18, 2011~

My dad got in about midnight. A wonderful friend of ours made two trips to Spokane (about a 4 hour round trip) twice in one day to pick up my parents. My dad actually wasn't going to be able to come any sooner than he had originally planned, which was more than a week away, but people at the sheriff's department at home chipped in and bought him a plane ticket. There were so many times throughout this whole ordeal that it was obvious God was with us and was taking care of us. I barely slept that night. Once guests left and my mom went to bed, Nathan and I sat down to go through the overwhelming number of Facebook posts and messages. It was encouraging to see how many people were praying for us from all over the country. Between staying up late and having trouble sleeping, I maybe got 3 hours of sleep.

We did have a good morning, though. My parents, Nathan, and I all crowded on the couch to watch some funny videos that someone posted on Facebook. It was good to laugh. That afternoon my dad, Nathan, and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements for Hope's funeral and run a couple of errands. Nathan  took care of all of the arrangements so that I didn't have to think about it. I know it had to be done, but I was not interested in being involved in the process.

Nathan's parents got in that afternoon and that evening we all went to the funeral home to see Hope one last time. She looked so peaceful lying there in that tiny casket. I wanted so badly to pick her up and hold her and never let her go. It wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to be happening. I wanted my baby girl back! After a little while, our parents left us alone with our daughter. Our precious Hope. I could have stayed there in that room all night. I didn't want to leave. I kissed her cheek one last time and we left.

It was another rough night. As I was lying there in bed, all I could think about was Hope. Her bassinet was still sitting next to our bed. A constant reminder that she was supposed to be there with us, not alone in the funeral home. I cried myself to sleep again that night.