A story of Hope

~November 30, 2011~

Two weeks ago we lost our baby girl. I say "we lost," but I know exactly where she is. She's Home with her Heavenly Father.Though it is not what we wanted or what we had planned, I know she is much happier there than she ever would be here on earth. Nathan and I always joked that our child would be perfect. We were right. She is perfect. Not only is she perfect, but as my husband has said, "Hope lived the best life anyone ever could. She never felt pain, and the first person she ever saw was her Savior."
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I found out on March 11th that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic! I wanted to tell everyone - including the cashier at WinCo and some random lady in the parking lot.

We were going to have a baby!

One of the happiest days of my life.

It took a few days before the reality of it set in. I felt like I had been waiting forever to have a baby. I could hardly believe it was true. We waited about a month to tell everyone, because we wanted to tell our parents first and in person (my parents live in Louisiana and Nathan's in Ohio). That was probably the longest month of my pregnancy.

In all, I'd say I had a fairly easy pregnancy. Each doctor's visit came and went without any problems. I remember the first time I got to see my baby. She was so tiny, she just looked like a spot on the screen. But she was my baby. I almost cried lying there on the table looking at my baby and listening to her heartbeat. I was so happy. Another 11 weeks went by and it was time for another ultrasound. It was so much fun watching our little baby move around. The ultrasound tech had a hard time getting all of the pictures she needed because the baby wouldn't be still. I was okay with that. I wanted this to last as long as possible. Nathan and I decided not to find out the gender until the baby was born. We wanted to be surprised. We had names picked out for both a boy and a girl (they were actually picked out before I was even pregnant), but until we found out what we were having, we called the baby Turkey. Nathan's idea, of course, since the baby would be born right around Thanksgiving. The ultrasound tech made a few short video clips of Turkey moving around and I probably watched them at least 10 times just that afternoon. The last half of the pregnancy seemed to drag on. I was large, uncomfortable, and I couldn't wait to meet my baby. The best part about it, though, was watching and feeling her move. Hope was so active in the evenings. Okay, so she was active almost all day, but especially in the evenings. Nathan and I would usually sit down to watch a show in the evenings and I would be so distracted watching my belly move. She was part of our nightly entertainment. One night, Nathan laid his head on my belly to listen to her heartbeat. Instead of hearing a heartbeat, he got a punch in the face. I laughed so hard. She had to get one in while she could get away with it.

Everything seemed so perfect...

~November 16, 2011~

Our lives were changed forever that day. It started off like any other day. Nathan left for work, and it was my day off, so I was having a relaxing morning at home. Right before noon, I realized that I hadn't felt the baby move all morning. I thought it was odd, but I could have just missed it. I grabbed a quick snack and laid down on the couch to see if I could get Turkey to start moving. As I'm doing this, I realize that I don't remember the baby moving the night before either. I laid on my side... nothing. I thought to myself, "Okay, I'll try my lying on my back. That always works." Nothing. I'm beginning to panic now. There might be something wrong. I push on my belly, expecting to feel little hands or feet push back. I feel them, but they aren't pushing back. Now I know something is wrong. I call Nathan. He tries to reassure me, but says to call the doctor if I'm really worried. It was 12:30pm, and my doctor was out to lunch, so I had to leave a message. I'm really panicking now. She calls back a couple of minutes later and tells me to go the the birthing center now. I called Nathan and he leaves work to meet me there.

I explain to the nurses what's going on. Though I pretty much knew already, I could see in their faces that this was not good. One of the nurses takes me to a room, hooks me up to a monitor, and checks for a heartbeat. Nothing. This whole time I'm praying. Praying that the baby was really okay. I hadn't given up yet. My doctor always had a hard time finding the heartbeat. The nurse leaves to call my doctor so that they can do an ultrasound. While she's gone, another nurse comes in to give it a try. Again, nothing. No one has said anything yet, but I knew. The ultrasound tech comes in, along with a doctor, the two nurses that had already checked me and another nurse. Nathan gets there as they start doing the ultrasound. Still no one says anything, but I've had an ultrasound done before. I know what it's supposed to look like. There was no flutter showing the heartbeat. There was no movement at all. Our baby was gone. It's was one thing to know, but to hear the doctor say it out loud... I wanted to scream. It was the worst moment of my life.  I wanted them out. Why was it taking them so long to leave the room. They finally left and we were alone. We couldn't hold it in any longer. We broke down and cried. Cried harder than we had ever cried. How could this be? Everything was fine just a couple of days ago. I was less than a week away from my due date. Everything was ready for us to bring home our little one. We were ready. We would never get the chance to bring our baby home, though. She was already with the Lord.

I have a hard time keeping everything that happened after that straight. It all seems like a blur. We were in shock. All we could do was sit there, heartbroken and empty, and cry. My doctor showed up about 45 minutes later and explained what was next and prayed with us. I chose this doctor from a picture and mini bio that said almost the exact same thing as all of the other bios said. But I know it wasn't just chance. I couldn't have asked for a better doctor to be there during the hardest two days of my life. The Lord was watching over me.

Because I was barely dilated, the doctor administered a medicine to help speed it along. He had to give me that medicine twice, but by the end of the 8 hours (we had to wait 4 hours after each pill before they could do anything) there was still no change. During that time, Nathan made the necessary phone calls to our parents and a few close friends in town. God surely did bless us with great friends. For most of those 8 hours, we were not alone. They were a wonderful distraction during this awful waiting period. When there was still no change after 8 hours and my contractions were barely painful we decided that I'd try to get some sleep and we'd start again in the morning. It was a long night, and neither of us got very much sleep.

~November 17, 2011~

I woke up at about 7:30am and at 9:43am I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was 6 pounds, 12.7 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long. Hope Ann. It was not the original name we had picked out, but it was fitting. The Biblical definition of hope is "a strong and confident expectation". I know that one day I will see my daughter again. She is waiting for me in Heaven.

Once they got her cleaned up, Nathan and I both got a chance to hold Hope. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful. She had dark brown hair, my nose and her daddy's chin. It was so hard to let her go. The hospital had a photographer there from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/) that took wonderful pictures of Hope and we are so thankful to have them along with a few other keepsakes the hospital gave to us.

We left the hospital that afternoon lost and empty. Our lives were changed forever. What's next? I know God has a purpose and a plan for us in all of this. Though I don't know what it is, I pray that God will use this tragedy to bring glory to Him and that through this others might be saved. Will it bring Hope back? Will it take away the hurt I feel so deeply? No. No it won't. But if God is glorified through this, it won't be nothing.

I wasn't planning on this post being so long, but once I started telling the story, I couldn't stop. I want to tell Hope's story and I want to share with you my hope.
"Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Savior, Jesus Christ." Titus 2:13