We're almost there...

I know it's been awhile. I feel bad for neglecting this blog for so long. I'm now 33 weeks along. I've been keeping myself fairly busy with... just about anything that will keep me distracted from this pregnancy. I guess that's a big part of why I haven't posted much here or on my Facebook page. The less I think about the pregnancy, the less I worry about the outcome. Of course, at this point, with my due date only 7 weeks away and a future soccer player going crazy in my belly, it's hard not to think about it.

This has definitely not been an easy pregnancy. I should have known I couldn't go the whole nine months without any complications. The most recent being that I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. It is not a severe case, so it shouldn't be an issue controlling it with diet alone. I know it could be a lot worse and I am thankful that this is all we're dealing with.

I went back and forth on whether or not to prepare for this little guy's arrival (yes, we're having a boy :-). A big part of me wanted to only get the absolute necessities, and then wait until after he was here to get anything else we needed. But I just couldn't do that. I know he doesn't know the difference, but I just couldn't ignore this growing baby inside me. God has given him to us, and I want to celebrate him. So his drawers and closet have adorable clothes in them, we've had one baby shower with another one in the next couple of weeks, and the car seat will be installed in just a few short weeks. I realized a few weeks back that I've actually planned more for this baby than I did for Hope. The Lord knew... I still struggle daily with the "what ifs," and most things said about Cookie after his birth are followed by thoughts in my head along the lines of "If he lives." But the Lord has gotten us this far, and I know that no matter what happens, He'll continue to see us through. There's nothing else for me to do, but to hold on to that promise and take it one day at a time.

2 Corinthians 12:9a "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

Our Rainbow After the Storm

Nine months doesn't really seem like that long to wait to get pregnant, but when it's after a full term stillbirth, it seems like forever. 

Our wait is finally over, though. On August 12th, my husband and I found out we were expecting again. Our sweet rainbow baby is finally on his/her way. 

What is a rainbow baby? 

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or stillbirth.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

-The Urban Dictionary

My husband and I couldn't be happier to have another little one on the way. Hope is going to be a big sister!

As happy and excited as we are, these last 16 weeks (that's how far along I am) have not been easy, to say the least. Our roller coaster ride continues as we take each day at a time hoping and praying we get to bring home a healthy baby this time around. The problem is, we're no longer so naive to think that getting pregnant and making it to full term means bringing home a baby. I knew it would be difficult, but I had no idea how difficult. It's gotten a little better now that I'm out of my first trimester and am feeling the baby kick, but I can only image how nerve racking it will be once I get close to full term. 

Being pregnant after losing a child is hard, not only because you're terrified of losing another child, but also because of what people think and expect. 

First of all, everyone expects you to be excited. 

Now, don't get me wrong, we are very excited to be pregnant again - but we're also terrified. We're excited to be pregnant, but terrified of losing another child, and it meets somewhere in the middle that looks like indifference (at least for me it does). A big part of why we waited as long as we could to tell people we were expecting is because we really didn't want to talk about the pregnancy with others. How do you really explain this to people that have no idea what it's like? 

Secondly, many people expect you to be "all better" now that you're expecting another baby.

Really? Well, it's far from the truth. I probably think about and miss Hope more now than I did in the few months before getting pregnant again. As with any mother, we love all of our children, and having a second child does not lessen our love for our first. If I had to guess, I'd say that this is the one thing that women expecting their rainbow baby wish everyone else understood. 

But despite the difficulties, we are so thankful to be blessed with another child. God has answered our prayers and now we can only trust Him for the outcome. Praying that at the end of April, we'll be able to bring home a perfect, healthy baby. 

1 Samuel 1:27

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:"

"Cookie" at 9 weeks