Will it ever get easier?

12/12/11

Will it ever get easier? Today was another bad day. There are inconveniences that come along with being pregnant and having a baby that in the end are COMPLETELY worth it. But when you go through all of that and then there is no baby, it's hard to continue to deal with the inconveniences with a good attitude. Today was one of those days where it was really getting to me. In reality, it was me being frustrated that everything wasn't going according to MY plan. I needed someone to vent to so I called my best friend who is way too far away, and we cried together over the phone. I feel very blessed to have a friend that I can call and not have to talk. Someone that I can just cry with. By the time I got off of the phone with her, I was completely exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep, and so I did.

Nathan had picked up some tutoring students to get in some hours while work was slow with his old job. He started his new job lost week, but is still having to keep up with his students, so our (his) schedule has been very crazy. He works a full day and then comes home, just to turn around and go back out again. He is such a hard worker. I was thankful that tonight I didn't have to stay home by myself. I got to go out to dinner with my former boss (now good friend). We had a really good time I'm sure our waitress thought we were nuts, though. We went back and forth from crying to laughing so many times. She was probably wondering what in the world was going on.

We ended up ordering dessert (which was delicious) and staying extra just so we could see a couple get engaged. It was fun to watch the waiters get the table ready and then to watch the couple before hand. The guy chatted nervously throughout their meal and as far as I could tell, the girl sat their oblivious to the fact that he was about to propose. It was cute.

I really am so thankful for the good friends I have that I can talk about Hope with and cry with. Most people don't ask me about Hope. My pregnancy and her birth are usually completely avoided. And that's okay. I know it is probably awkward for most people and they're unsure whether or not I want to talk about her. I don't want people to feel awkward. But I'm a mom too, and just like every other new mom, I want to talk about my baby, I want to hear her name. She might have only been with us for 9 short months, but she is still a huge part of my life and always will be. So I am very thankful for the friends God has placed in my life that are comfortable asking about Hope. I'm thankful for this blog where I can come and talk about my Hope Ann and share her with ya'll whenever I need to. God has blessed me with wonderful friends.

12/13/11

Today was going to be my good day. For about a week or so, my good and bad days just alternated. Since it was going to be a "good" day, I made plans to visit a friend of mine and her new baby girl. I had been trying to figure out when would be a good time to go see the baby. I wasn't sure if any time would have been a good time, but I needed to go. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It felt so good to hold that little baby in my arms. She is so precious. I held her for at least an hour if not longer and she just slept the whole time. I sat there remembering how it felt to hold Hope in my arms. Oh, how I miss having my little girl in my arms.

Another friend and her girls (who I used to nanny for) were also there and we all stayed for lunch. I could feel my good day slipping away. It was hard to see this mom with her new baby girl; feeding her and talking to her. I would never get to do those things with my baby girl. We would never get to have that wonderful Mother/Daughter relationship that I have with my mom. I finished my lunch, and then quickly excused myself . I couldn't hold it in any longer, but I didn't want to break down in front of the girls. My good day was gone and I was exhausted. Again, I retreated to my bed and slept.  It is a good thing I don't have work to go to, because my sleeping schedule is a mess.

12/16/11

Christmas is almost a week away and we hadn't even decorated yet. Partly because Nathan has been so busy with work (and it's must more fun to decorate together), and partly because I just didn't want to this year. It was too hard to think about Christmas without Hope. I feel like it was almost more depressing not having any decorations up, though. It was hard for both of us, but we finally put up a few decorations. We ended up not even finishing, though. We were both tired, and it was hard. At least it does look a little more cheerful around here now. I think the one set of decorations that really makes me sad are the stockings. There were supposed to be three stockings this year, not only two.
It's late as I'm typing this, so my apologies for rambling.

12/17/11

I woke up mad today. Mad at the world. Facebook is a bad place to be when you're mad at the world. So many of my friends are either pregnant or just had their baby in the last month or two. They're all posting pictures and talking about their babies. Even other posts that have nothing to do with pregnancy or babies were irritating me. I needed to get out, so Nathan and I went on a walk around our neighborhood. The fresh air was good, and we had good time; but as we were making our way back, all of those feelings came flooding back. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be in that apartment any more. Everywhere I looked, I was reminded that Hope wasn't with us any more. It still hurts so much. We couldn't stay out forever, so we finally made our way back home. Why was I so mad today. I've felt a lot of things, but today was the first day that I was really mad. I thought that writing might help, so I pulled out my journal. As I started writing the date down, it hit me. December 17th. Hope would have been a month old today. My anger melted away to sadness and I just sat at the table and cried. What would she look like now? What would we be doing today? I wanted Hope to be there with us so badly.

Nathan suggested we go out for awhile and practice shooting our guns. It was a good distraction, but it didn't last long enough. We had plans with friends that evening, and I hoped it, too, would be a good distraction. Unfortunately, I'm still not sleeping that well, and with another emotional day, I was tired early. I made it through the evening, but was very ready to go home and go to bed.  I was ready for this day to be over. Again, I asked Nathan, "Will it ever get easier?"