Overwhelming Sadness

It's a beautiful day outside. The blinds are open and the sunshine is pouring in. I'm sitting here listening to Christmas music and drinking a cup of coffee. All is right in the world... Four weeks ago, that is what I would have been thinking - but not today. It is a beautiful day outside, but I wish it were snowing. I'm listening to Christmas music, but where's the Christmas cheer? And my coffee mug... it's empty. I'm sitting here thinking of my friend who just found out this week that her baby boy has a terminal disease; a man who's wife has a brain tumor and the prognosis isn't good - their two little boys will probably have to grow up without a mother; 5 children who had to go back to a mother that doesn't deserve them instead of staying with a wonderful couple that loves them dearly; the many friends that I love so much who have yet to accept Christ as their Savior and experience the wonderful peace and joy that comes with knowing Him and knowing that Heaven awaits those who believe; and most of all, I'm thinking of my beautiful baby girl that I miss so much.

Last night was another bad night. I laid in bed and it just hit me all over again. My arms ached to hold her. I also thought that sounded weird when I'd hear others say it. Now I understand. No, it's not a physical pain. I don't even know how to describe it, but it's there. I just wanted to sleep, but sleep alluded me. Nathan was so sweet, and just held me as I cried. I feel bad. I know I keep up him many nights tossing and turning and crying. You'll never here him complain, though. At least when I do finally fall asleep on nights like that, I sleep hard... and late. Today has not been any better. Just about anything baby/pregnancy related makes me cry. There have been a couple of times today that an overwhelming sadness has come over me and it feels like a huge weight is sitting on my chest. I just can't seem to snap out of it today. Will it ever get easier?

Today might be a bad day, and I'm sure there will be many more to come in the weeks and months ahead, but I know that God is with me. I'm reminded of the poem Footprints in the Sand by Mary Stevenson. I don't always remember to pray and ask God to help me through each day, but I know He's there. He promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us and He hasn't. He's been with us this whole time, carrying me through this trial. And I will come out on the other said of this storm stronger and closer to Him than I've ever been. To everyone that has continued to lift us up in prayer, thank you. When I couldn't think to pray, you prayed for me. God has heard your prayers and answered them.

Here's another song that I've listened to over and over again in the last couple of weeks.

"Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure my now

That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say, "Amen," and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

And as your mercy falls I raise my hands

And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands

For You are who You are no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand

You never left my side and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry, You raised me up again

But my strength is almost gone

How can I carry on if I can't find you

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands 

And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands

For You are who You are no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand

You never left my side and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

My God is the same God today as He was 4 weeks ago and I will continue to praise Him. And I know that He will continue to be with me and help me through this storm. For when I'm weak, He is strong. 

"Thank you Lord for all that You have done in my life!"

Hebrews 13:5b"I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."