Our First Balloon Release

We weren't able to do the balloon release for Hope's birthday on her birthday, but we were able to the day after. We've decided that for the foreseeable future, we'll release one balloon for every year on her birthday.

I've known for awhile that I wanted to do a balloon release for Hope's birthday, and somewhat understood the reason behind a balloon release as a memorial, but never really put much thought into beyond that. I just knew I liked the idea and wanted to do it as another way to "celebrate" Hope's birthday. I had no idea of the impact it would have on me. As I mentioned in my last post, I was somewhat in denial on Hope's birthday, so this being the day after, it all seemed so much more real for me.

We had gotten 3 other balloons (two pink and one "Happy Birthday" Mylar balloon) to leave at Hope's grave, but as we were getting out of the car the wind caught one of the pink ones and it was gone. That's when it really hit me. Just like that balloon, my daughter was gone and there was nothing we could do to bring her back. So instead, we do little things here and there to remember her and to feel like we're close to her. Releasing balloons is one of those things.

 Hope's Balloon

Maybe Hope can see them up in Heaven. I like to think she can.

  

Hope's 1st Birthday

Well, it's finally here. The date I've been dreading for quite some time. It's been a weird few days for me. I've somewhat reverted back to how I felt the weeks following Hope's death - in denial and overwhelmed by people.

I wanted to think about Hope, remember her, and make this day all about her; yet my brain would not let me focus. It just doesn't seem real. We did a couple of different things for her birthday, and yet the whole time there was some kind of disconnect. How do you process the fact that your trying to celebrate your daughter's first birthday, when she's not even here. She should be walking/running around laughing and playing, instead, we're doing what we can to keep her memory alive. The only time it felt real today was when we were standing over her grave tonight. Please don't think me morbid. I'm just trying to be honest.

So how did we celebrate Hope's birthday? I had originally planned a party, complete with cake and ice cream. But the closer we got to her birthday, the more I realized it would be best to keep the day more low key, and I'm so glad I did.

With Hope's birth being so close to Christmas (and the fact that you can find the word Hope on so many things) we received quite a few ornaments last year. We decided that it would be special for Hope to have her own Christmas tree and to set it up on her birthday. Our plan is to add one ornament to it each year from now on.

We also bought a little Christmas tree to put out at her grave and a cute little snowman. The other flowers are from family and friends. 

Cards and flowers from family and friends.

This day was definitely not what we wanted or expected, but we did what we could to make it a special day. And though it does not make it all better (or better at all), it is comforting to know that Hope is having the best birthday she could ever have celebrating it with her Creator. I guess we're learning an important parenting lesson now. What's best for our children is not always easy for us.

-----For those of you who haven't made it to your child's special day, remember it's okay to do what's best for you. If having people come over to remember your child together is what's best for you, then that's what you should do. But if you'd prefer to be alone and do something small (or nothing at all), then that's what you should do. I know it's easy to do (and that others think it irrational  - don't listen to them), but you don't need to feel guilty for throwing a big get together for a child that is no longer here, for doing nothing at all, or doing anything in between. Your child knows you love him/her no matter what you do on that day.-----

In Memory of Hope Ann Lewis - Gone Too Soon

"The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart;" Psalm 34:18a

Our Rainbow After the Storm

Nine months doesn't really seem like that long to wait to get pregnant, but when it's after a full term stillbirth, it seems like forever. 

Our wait is finally over, though. On August 12th, my husband and I found out we were expecting again. Our sweet rainbow baby is finally on his/her way. 

What is a rainbow baby? 

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or stillbirth.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

-The Urban Dictionary

My husband and I couldn't be happier to have another little one on the way. Hope is going to be a big sister!

As happy and excited as we are, these last 16 weeks (that's how far along I am) have not been easy, to say the least. Our roller coaster ride continues as we take each day at a time hoping and praying we get to bring home a healthy baby this time around. The problem is, we're no longer so naive to think that getting pregnant and making it to full term means bringing home a baby. I knew it would be difficult, but I had no idea how difficult. It's gotten a little better now that I'm out of my first trimester and am feeling the baby kick, but I can only image how nerve racking it will be once I get close to full term. 

Being pregnant after losing a child is hard, not only because you're terrified of losing another child, but also because of what people think and expect. 

First of all, everyone expects you to be excited. 

Now, don't get me wrong, we are very excited to be pregnant again - but we're also terrified. We're excited to be pregnant, but terrified of losing another child, and it meets somewhere in the middle that looks like indifference (at least for me it does). A big part of why we waited as long as we could to tell people we were expecting is because we really didn't want to talk about the pregnancy with others. How do you really explain this to people that have no idea what it's like? 

Secondly, many people expect you to be "all better" now that you're expecting another baby.

Really? Well, it's far from the truth. I probably think about and miss Hope more now than I did in the few months before getting pregnant again. As with any mother, we love all of our children, and having a second child does not lessen our love for our first. If I had to guess, I'd say that this is the one thing that women expecting their rainbow baby wish everyone else understood. 

But despite the difficulties, we are so thankful to be blessed with another child. God has answered our prayers and now we can only trust Him for the outcome. Praying that at the end of April, we'll be able to bring home a perfect, healthy baby. 

1 Samuel 1:27

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:"

"Cookie" at 9 weeks

Why can't we just be happy?

Now before I go on, please remember that there is a big different between happiness and joy. 

My husband and I went on our first real vacation last week. We went to Glacier National Park in Montana. It's absolutely gorgeous up there and we had a great time, but...

For those of you who have been through what we have, you probably understand where I'm going with this. As fantastic of a vacation as it was, Hope was always on our minds. We'd be laughing, having a good time, and then just look at each other knowing we were both thinking the same thing - "I wish Hope were here with us." It's hard to completely enjoy anything when there is such a sadness surrounding you and weighing you down. 

I feel that it's somewhat easier to go through our day to day lives without getting too down. Day to day life wasn't something I necessary "planned" for while pregnant. But I dreamed of outings and vacations and all sorts of fun things to do with her. None of those things will be a reality now. And that realization is very difficult to deal with. 

It's the same thing with holidays (even minor ones like the 4th of July). I was pregnant last 4th of July and I remember sitting there waiting for the fireworks thinking, "This time next year, we'll have our little baby with us. She'll be 7 1/2 months old. I can't wait!" But instead, I sat waiting for the fireworks with no baby in my lap watching everyone else cuddle with their children. It's so very, very difficult. 

Life goes on, but in a way, it feels like our lives have come to a complete stop. We must now learn how to live life all over again. To live life with a pain that will never completely go away.

"Loved with a love beyond telling. Missed with a grief beyond all tears."

Our Vacation

You're Not Helping.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant for anyone in particular. We (those of us in the baby loss community) know that you don't understand and do not expect you to, but we also know that there are those out there that genuinely want to help. This is something that we'd really like to explain to you.

I'm just going to jump right in, because there is really no easy way to say this.

Acting like nothing ever happened DOES NOT HELP. In fact, it makes things worse. Just because our child is no longer with us, does not mean he or she didn't exist. Pretending like it never happened makes us feel even more isolated and alone.

I get it. You're afraid that if you bring up our child, it will make us sad or it will make us cry.  First of all, you can't make us more sad than we already are that our child is not with us.

Here's an easy way to explain this. Parents, particularly those with small children, your child is on your mind practically all of the time, right? It's the same for us. Just because our child is not with us, doesn't mean we don't think about him or her a lot. They will ALWAYS be our children, no matter how long they've been gone.

Here's another thought. As a parent of older children, at what age did your child stop being on your mind all day? I can imagine it's YEARS. So why do people expect us to just move on in MONTHS? Just a thought.

So by trying to ignore what has happened doesn't make us less sad it makes us more sad.

I'm not saying that every time you see me, you bring up my child. But what I am saying is don't act like it never happened and don't expect me to act like it never happened.

Don't know what to say? Words aren't always necessary. Sometimes just a hug or a handshake is all that's necessary. For instance: there's a man I know. He hasn't mentioned Hope in quite awhile, but almost every time I see him, he comes up to me and gives me a hug and a knowing look. He doesn't have to say anything. He remembers Hope and he remembers me. And I appreciate him for it.

Words are good too. If you really do want to say something, just tell the person you're thinking about them and that you're praying for them. It's encouraging and they'll appreciate it. This is particularly true during holidays or special dates (birthdays or "death days").

And lastly. Mother's Day and Father's Day. It doesn't help to exclude us, but "Happy Mother's Day" or "Happy Father's Day" isn't quite what we want to hear. Believe me, it's not a happy day. The best thing you can do is to do as I stated above. Simply say, "I'm thinking about you and praying for you today."

To all that took the time to read this, I think I speak on behalf of of everyone in this community - thank you.

"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope."

Easier said than done.

Would ya'll like some more honesty?

I've really struggled over the past few months with keeping up with my devotions. Why? It's not because I'm mad at God. It's not because I'm trying to "avoid" Him. Since Hope died I have had ZERO motivation to do anything. There are two things that I usually do: absolutely nothing (which usually involves watching TV or aimlessly strolling through Facebook) or doing everything possible to keep my mind occupied so that I don't have to think (which is usually working, beading, or cleaning - because it HAS to be done).
Reading the Bible doesn't fall under either of those categories. Reading takes motivation and some energy and it takes thought. As I sit and read, I must think. I must work through what the verses are saying and what they mean to me. And I must work through the death of my daughter.

It's necessary. It's important. And it's hard.

But today is a new day. I will strive to do better. I will strive to put more time into the most important relationship there is - my relationship with God.

So what's easier said than done?

James 1:2-3 " My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations (various trials); knowing this, that the trying (testing) of your faith worketh (produces) patience." 

Wow! Really? 

You want me to "count it all joy" when my daughter has died? 

Now, it's not saying that I should rejoice because my daughter died. But I should rejoice in that through this trial, if I persevere, I will come out on the other side more like Christ.

2 Peter 1:6 "And to knowledge temperance (self-control); and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;"

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed (does not disappoint); because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."  

Either way, it's still hard. Most days, it is encouraging and helpful to hear from others, that we have helped them in some way. And that's what the rejoicing is all about. Rejoicing that God is being glorified through this awful trial. That I'm growing in Him and allowing Him to work through me.

BUT... that's not always the case. There are some days where I don't care. All I care about is that my daughter is gone. That's great that other people are getting their lives together because of something I've said, but that doesn't bring Hope back.

That's my battle. It's easy to get mad and bitter (and I'll admit that I am both at times). But that doesn't help. And that definitely doesn't bring Hope back either. So I take it one day at a time, and that's what you should do as well. Just because you've had a bad day and you're angry and bitter, don't think that you've failed. Tomorrow is a new day. Choose to allow God to use you. Choose to bring glory to God through your trials.

Lord, I want to be more like You. I want to come out on the other side a better Christian. I want to bring you glory. But right now, I am in the middle of the storm. Some days are good, but other days I struggle to keep my head above water. I need your grace and strength to make it through on top. Please give me that grace and strength. 

"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee."  Psalm 143:8 

Don't cry over spilled milk.

That seems simple enough, right? Wrong.

I've lost count of how many times I've cried over stupid, simple, insignificant things in the past 6 months. I haven't cried over spilled milk yet (because I haven't spilled any), but I have cried over ruined dinners, spilling beads all over the floor, dropping an almost completed necklace and having to string it all over again, and the list goes on.

Many people have said that it's just the overwhelming sense of grief just coming to the surface at that moment. I don't believe that's the case, though I have had that happen.

Overwhelmed...

One of the meanings for overwhelmed is "buried or drowned beneath a huge mass." That's a pretty accurate description.

When I ruin a meal and start to cry, it's not because the grief just comes flooding back. No, it's because my emotions are on overdrive (to say the least), and anything that comes up that I'm not prepared for sends me over the edge.

It overwhelms me.
My chest tightens up.
I feel like I have a brick on top of me.
I start to cry.

It's been over 6 months now. I don't ALWAYS cry over a ruined dinner or spilled beads anymore, but my chest still tightens up and I have to remind myself to take deep breaths to calm myself down.

What overwhelms me? A LOT.

Maybe one day I'll be back to the Maegan that everyone knows and loves. But for now, you're stuck with me. Quiet, anti-social, and guarded me.

Do you struggle with being overwhelmed? Pray with me. Pray that God will give you the grace and the peace and the strength you need to overcome.

2 Thessalonians 3:16
"Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all."

You're not the only one...

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Losing a child is one of the worst things you can possibly go through and the pain you feel is, at times, all consuming. It is not something you can control. It is not something you just make go away.

I had my very first anxiety attack today. What brought it on, you ask? Other than the horrible thought that my daughter is dead and it will (more than likely) be a long time before I get to see her again in Heaven? Other than the constant reminder that I'll never get to watch her grow up, get married, have children of her own?
Nothing.
I was sitting in Logan's Roadhouse having a nice conversation with my parents about something completely unrelated. I had been somewhat antsy all afternoon when if finally came to a head and I had to excuse myself from the restaurant before I made a scene. I made it out to the truck and called my husband before I completely lost it. It wasn't pretty. I was crying uncontrollably. I could barely breathe...

Why am I telling you this? Why am I sharing something that is so personal and shows how vulnerable I am right now? It's not because I want to. In fact, I'm somewhat embarrassed by it.

I'm telling you, because I want you to know that you're not the only one.  You're not crazy. You're not alone.

Grief is a process. Unfortunately, sometimes it can be a long one. Yes, there are wrong and harmful ways to deal with it and express it. But do not feel like, just because you've had an anxiety attack or something similar, that you're doing something wrong or that you're not "handling" it properly. It takes time. Give yourself time. Pray that God will give you the strength to make it through and the peace of knowing that He is in control. (Preaching to myself here.)

Romans 15:13
"Now the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in HOPE, through the power of the Holy Ghost."

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today I fell in love for the second time. This time it was with my precious baby who had already been growing inside of me for 10 days. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Friday, March 11, 2011

I woke up early today so that I could take the pregnancy test before Nathan got out of bed. I was so excited. This could be the day! It seemed like a really long wait for the results.

Two lines! It was positive!

I couldn't believe it! I was actually pregnant. I had been waiting for this moment for so long! I was ecstatic.

I had to calm down though, because I wanted to come up with a really neat way to surprise Nathan. I got straight in the shower to give myself another 20 minutes to calm down.

I pulled it off. Nathan had no clue! He left for work, so now I had about 8-9 hours to figure out what I was doing.

My first idea was that I was going to show him a picture of myself with an arrow pointing to my belly. So I got my camera put on self-timer and took my picture. 

Well, it's Friday, so even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I went grocery shopping (Friday was my shopping day back then). I went as fast as I could and had such a hard time not telling everyone I passed - the cashier, some random lady in the parking lot... I made it through Winco, dropped my stuff off at home and then headed to Wal-Mart to print off my picture (and look and baby stuff!). 

While I was there, I picked up a cute pair of white baby shoes. Our baby's first pair of shoes. That was my second idea. Wrap up the baby shoes and give them to Nathan. 

Neither one of these ideas really seemed like the right one. What could I do? It had to be special. It finally hit me around noon. 

I'd make a video for Nathan with pictures from the beginning of our relationship until now, ending with the above picture with an arrow pointing to my belly and the picture of the positive test. 

That was it! It was perfect! 

I spent the next few hours (I'm not sure how long it took, but it took a long time) making this video. Nathan called around 5 or 6 to tell me he was going to be late. Good, I have some more time to make this perfect. It took much longer than I thought it would have and it was still not finished when he got home. I told him some story to distract him and sent him off to take a LONG shower. It worked. He still had no clue. 

It was finally finished! Not quite perfect, because the pictures went by a little too fast, but it still worked. Nathan sat through the whole slide show believing that this was a random thing I had decided to do (I do enjoy making them, so it was not an unbelievable story). It got to the end, and I think he was in shock. 

"Seriously?" 

That was the first thing he said. He, too, was very excited! We probably sat on the couch for 30 minutes or so just talking and dreaming. Looking forward to the day when we could hold our baby in our arms. And of course, celebrating with sparkling cider and ice cream. :-) 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

As you all know, those dreams did not come true. Hope died before we ever got to see her or hold her. But she has changed our lives forever. She is and always will be a part of this family. It's been almost 4 months since she was born and I am still struggling with this loss. 4 months might seem like a long time for some of you. And I'm sure many of you probably think we should just move on. It's not going to happen. We will never be the same. This is something we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. We will learn to cope with it, yes, but we will never get over it. 

Psalm 55:6-8 "And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would i wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest."

Count your blessings.

I really do have so much to be thankful for. Every day I remind myself of my blessings.

Unfortunately, the loss of my daughter seems to outweigh them all right now. But God didn't tell us to be thankful only when things were good. He told us to give thanks in everything. And why should we not continue to be thankful through the hard times? Christ DIED for us, we can always be thankful for that.

So today, I'm going to share with you just some of the things that I am thankful for.

• First and foremost, I'm thankful for God's love and the sacrifice He made for me so that I could spend an eternity in Heaven. I'm thankful that He cares about me and He knows and understand my pain. I'm thankful for the strength that He gives me to get through each day. 
• I'm thankful for my WONDERFUL husband who has stood by me this whole time. I'm thankful for a husband who works hard, makes me laugh, and leads by a godly example. I'm thankful for a husband who takes good care of me. I'm thankful for Nathaniel Dale Lewis! 

• I'm thankful for my family (in-laws INCLUDED), who have stood by us and helped us in so many ways. Not just since Hope's death. Our families have always been there for us: helping us and encouraging us. 

• I am thankful for my friends - old and new. I'm thankful for my 2 bestest friends. My friends who just listen to my when I cry and on occasion cry with me. My friends who make me laugh when I feel like I have nothing to even smile about. I'm thankful for the friends who have recently reached out to me. Those friends who have taken the time to tell me they have not forgotten me and they have not forgotten Hope. The friends who have continued to pray for me. I'm thankful for those whom I have never met before, who have also reached out to me and encouraged me. I'm thankful for my new angel mommy friends. They remind me that I'm not alone. They understand me and understand what I'm going through like no one else can. 

• I am thankful for God's provision. 
• This may sound funny, but I'm thankful for my hobbies/businesses. They keep me busy and my mind occupied. 
• And I am thankful for my daughter and the 9 months that God allowed me to carry her. 

I could name so many other blessings right that God has blessed me with, but I think I covered most of the big ones. 

God has blessed you in many ways as well. Don't forget to be thankful. 

I Thessalonians 5:18a "In everything give thanks..." 

My Valentine

I am not the only one dealing with the death of Hope. I am not the only one that misses her. I am not alone. My husband has stood by me the entire time. Helping me. Encouraging me. Holding me. He, too, is grieving the loss of his daughter. Today, my post is about him. About my Valentine.

I wasn't planning on this, but I'm actually going to post our "love story."

My husband and I met in college through a mutual friend (second semester of our Sophomore year). Let's just say I wasn't impressed. He was your typical Sophomore guy and I did NOT like him. We went on one date that semester, where he quickly realized that I wasn't interested. He was in my group of friends so we actually hung out quite a bit. By the end of that semester, it was obvious he was interested and on the last day of school, he proceeded to tell me so. I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not like him, BUT that I had no idea what the future held and that I would not "close the door" on the idea. If God wanted us together, I knew He could change my mind. But again, I made it very clear, I was NOT interested. We went out separate ways (me to Louisiana and him to Ohio) and did not keep in touch over the summer.

The next semester, I spent little time with that group of friends, but somehow Nathan always seemed to pop up, including having the chapel seat right in front of me closer to the end of the semester. It was obvious he was still interested in me and I tried to make it very clear that I was still NOT interested in him. As that school year progressed and went on to Senior year, we spent more and more time together - including lunch almost every day because he was the only one of my friends with that lunch hour (funny how God works things out like that). I still did not like him, but he was quickly becoming a good friend. 

I continued telling myself and everyone else that I did not like him. He was not for me. We had too many differences. He was a great guy, but I did NOT like him.

One thing I really appreciate about my husband is that he didn't push me. He respected me and my feelings. Something that is very important to me. If he would have tried to pressure me, we would not have become such good friends, and I would not have changed my mind about liking him. 

Spring semester of our Senior year rolls around. It was that semester that I started to doubt my resolve to not like Nathan. 

There was one last formal event of the semester and though I still told myself I didn't like him, Nathan was the only guy that I wanted to go with. "He's just a good friend," I kept telling myself. I remember giving him hints, trying to get him to ask me. Finally coming to the conclusion that he had finally given up (who could blame him). He did finally ask me (thanks to a very good friend of his and now mine - you know who you are - THANK YOU!). It took him so long to ask me that I had already agreed to go with one of the girls on my floor. I told him if he wanted to take me, he'd have to take both of us. 

It was that night that I really started to rethink my decision to not like him. 

When my friend and I walked out of the dorm, he was waiting there with flowers. Not just for me. He had also bought a flower for my friend. I was impressed. What a gentleman. 

I remember a friend of mine coming up to me (while Nathan was standing right there) and asking me if he was my boyfriend. AWKWARD!  I, of course, told her that he was JUST a friend. It was the first time I actually regretted saying it.   

Well, he got the hint. The next day was graduation. There was no long goodbye. No, "we'll keep in touch." --"Bye." That was it. I turned around and walked away feeling somewhat hurt that there wasn't more. What did I expect? I had made it quite clear the night before that I was STILL not interested. 

I went home and my mom (I love that woman!) wouldn't let it rest. "What about Nathan?" "I don't know." I kept telling her. But after 4 days of being home and not hearing from Nathan, I was so excited when I got an e-mail from him (thank you Car & Driver). My mom finally told me that if I was interested in the least, I needed to tell him. 

How do you tell a guy you've rejected for the last 2 1/2 years that you are now actually interested in him? Well, I prayed... A LOT. I didn't want to just come right out and say it out of the blue. We e-mailed back and forth for a few days while I waited for the right time. It finally came and I ended the e-mail by saying, "Do remember the conversation we had at the end of Sophomore year when I said I'd keep the door open? Well, it's still open." 

FOUR DAYS!!!! It took him 4 days to respond to that e-mail. 4 very long days. 

From there, we started talking on the phone. I think our first phone conversation was May 28th or 29th. He came to visit me for my birthday and it was that weekend (July 14th) we decided we were going to get married. He flew me up to Ohio the first weekend in August to meet his family and that is when we got engaged. 3 weeks after we decided to get married and only about 9 weeks after we started "talking." 

When you know, you know. 

We were married almost exactly a year later. The happiest day of my life.

Now 2 years, 6 months, and 13 days later, I am more in love with husband today than I was the day I married him. I have not, for one minute, regretted marrying him. I would do it again in a heartbeat. He is perfect for me. No, not perfect - perfect for me. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. 

He is loving. He is caring. He is a hard worker. He is a godly example. He is kind. He is giving. -- Just to name a few. 

Many nights over the last 3 months, he has held me while I have cried myself to sleep. He has been so understanding on my down days. He has helped me so much! I wish I could put into words how much he means to me. There are no words to describe it. I love him with all of my heart. My one true love. My Valentine. 

"One shoe can change your life." - Cinderella

My handsome man!

"I do." ... Today and every day.

I love you Nathaniel Dale Lewis. Happy Valentine's Day! 

From Where I Stand

I've had a couple of people comment about not seeing any new blog posts recently. I guess things have just been the same. Good days, bad days, up and down. I stay busy with my businesses and my Hope page. Ya'll don't need to be board by my day to day life.

Life goes on, though I still feel like my world has come to a screeching halt. It's been about 2.5 months since Hope passed away. I don't think it ever really gets any easier. I think you just start to learn how to deal with the pain. There is never a day and very few moments where I do not think about my daughter and what could have been. I miss her dearly.

I'm sure some people feel like it's been long enough. It's time for us to get back to all of the things we used to do.  I'm here to say, that 2.5 months is not a long time. The pain is still very close.

My heart is broken. 2.5 months cannot fix that.

I'm very thankful for the people that God has placed in my life. My husband is an amazing support and comfort to me. My best friend has been a God-send. And I've met two other angel mommies that I can't even begin to say how much they've encouraged me through this last month. And I'm thankful that the people who have said the wrong thing, are few and far between.

For those of you who want to know What You Should (and Shouldn’t) Say to Someone Who has Lost a Baby, that is a well written blog post you should check out.

I try to visit Hope at least once a week. Again, it is something that I never understood before (visiting and decorating a grave), but I do it. She's still my daughter. And though I know she isn't here any more, it's one of the ways I grieve. In some weird way, it makes me feel better visiting her and bringing things to make her grave not look so empty.

I actually visited Hope three times last week. The third visit, I went because a friend of mine had stopped by and left a rose for Hope. That was all the reason I needed to go out for another visit. It meant so much to me that she took time out of her day to visit my precious daughter.

I seem to end up at the cemetery at sunset almost every time. As I stand there, I look behind me to see the beautiful picture God has painted in the sky. I know He is there with me. I know He still loves me. I know He is still carrying me through.

The view from where I stand.

 

Psalm 42:5 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance."

Remembering...

One of my new pasts times is editing photos of Hope. I could stare at her pictures for hours. I thought I'd just share a few of those with you (or maybe a lot of them).

Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my baby girl. The days are slowly getting easier, but there are still some rough times. One day at a time. 

Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord."

Visiting Hope

I try to visit Hope's grave at least once a week. I've been wanted to bring something to decorate her grave with but haven't found anything until recently. I was very disappointed that I didn't get around to it for Christmas. We all went a few days after Christmas and the two graves next to hers were decorated. Hope's grave just looked so cold and lonely.  

Last Monday (1/9/12), I visited Hope with a friend of mine and finally brought her something. I found this "Love" piece at Michael's and had to get it. I do love my baby girl! The heart w/ a bird on it came from my friend. 

I Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:"

I might not have been able to keep Hope, but I prayed for her and God gave her to me. She was God's gift to me and I will cherish her forever.

I will always love you, Hope Ann Lewis!

Real life

1/3/12

The holidays are over and it's back to real life. I was not ready for this. It was another hard day. The original plan was for me to go back to work as a nanny, but it didn't end up working out that way. I think, in the end, it's a blessing. In a way, I would have liked to have gone back to work. But I know that I'm not ready yet. I think it's for the best.

I went to visit Hope today. It was a very hard day. I miss her so much. I don't remember how long I stayed at the cemetery, but it was quite awhile. When I finally got in the car to go, I couldn't leave. I was crying so hard., I wouldn't have been able to see to drive. I sat in my car for another good 15 minutes just crying and looking at her grave. I didn't want to leave her. I know that it is just her body there. Her soul, what makes her who she is, is in Heaven now. But I feel close to her there.

As I'm sitting in the car, I look down at my feet and notice something. I bent over to pick it up. It was a  little angel. It belongs on an anklet, but it had fallen off a few weeks ago and I couldn't find it. Of all the days and places to find it. I felt like it was God's timing. God reminding me that my baby was with Him. That she is perfect and happy now. I still miss her like crazy, but at least I know she is taken care of and I will see her again someday.

1/4/12

Four days in and 2012 is still not looking good. I can't get out of this slump.

I spend a lot of time working on my new community page on Facebook talking to other women that have also lost a child. It is encouraging to know that I'm not alone. It is also encouraging to know that I can help others. Since I've started my blog and my Facebook page, I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from others saying that they have been helped and encouraged.

Another instance of God's perfect timing.

About a week or so ago, we had a package slip in the mail saying we had two packages waiting for us at the Post Office. When Nathan went to pick them up, they only gave him one. Well, I finally went out to see if it was a typo on the paper or if there was another package for me.

They did have another package for me.

A very dear friend of mine that I haven't seen in awhile sent me this beautiful vase. It was perfect timing. I love it.

This gift came a few weeks back, but it was on another day that I was really struggling.

Angel's Embrace

It reminds me that Hope is in Heaven with the angels. She is not suffering. She is in having a wonderful time singing praises to her Savior.

God knows our every need and He is always watching over us. I'm so thankful He is with me now. I continually see His love through the little blessings and reminders He sends.

Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:17-18 "The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

The New Year

12/31/11

I wasn't really sure what to expect with the coming new year. My other firsts weren't too bad; Hope's due date, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Though I did kind of feel like those first few weeks I was in a fog. Still shocked by what had happened, not wanting to believe it was true.

This day actually went fairly well.

I have somewhat of a collection of "Hope" ornaments now. We decided to go out and get another tree so that next year we can have a Hope tree. Here's my collection so far.

My photo ornament came from Dee's Pretties 

(https://www.facebook.com/DeesPretties).

Before going to bed that night, I decided to check my e-mail. I couldn't believe what I saw. The lady that made the photo ornament of Hope for me wants to start making them for other families who have also lost a child - for free. She wants to call them Ornaments of Hope. Ornaments of Hope because Hope's story is what inspired her to do this and also her (our) desire that these ornaments would give these grieving families hope. Ornaments of Hope will be set up on my Facebook page (www.facebook.com/ourprecioushope) and I will be helping her with orders. I'm glad there is SOMETHING I can do to help these other families. I wish I could do more. 

And back to my roller coaster ride...

I was very excited about helping get Ornaments of Hope started, but by the time I got in bed I was already starting to go back down the other side. 

I really wasn't even thinking about the new year or what that meant. At least not that I remember. I guess I was subconsciously, though. Nathan and I were lying in bed talking when it turned midnight. Right as I heard the first set of fireworks going off, I started crying. The beginning of a new year. The first New Years without my daughter and I was not ready for it. I cried myself to sleep that night. 

1/1/12

Today was not a good day.

I considered skipping church today. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it through without breaking down, but I went anyway. I didn't even make it through the first song. I was crying so hard I had to leave the sanctuary. I can't remember all of the songs that were sung, but I know they all had to do with God is good and faithful. Something I continue to remind myself of daily. I miss Hope terribly, but God is still good. I love the first verse of the song Great is Thy Faithfulness. My God is still the same today as He was in October. He has not and will not change. God is good all the time.

The church we are going to does not have their own building yet and is meeting in the funeral home. The same funeral home were Hope's service was. When I left the sanctuary today, I went to the room were Hope had been. The room where we saw her beautiful face and kissed her sweet cheeks for the last time here on this earth.  I sat on the couch and stared at the place where her body had been and cried. I felt close to her in that room. Six weeks and 3 days. I still miss her like crazy!

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart..."

Great is Thy Faithfulness

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! 

Roller coaster ride

12/28/11

These days, my life feels like a roller coaster ride in the dark. I say it's in the dark, because I can be going through my day doing really well. I'm headed up. Then all of a sudden, with no warning at all, I lose it. I go racing down the other side.

I woke up this day feeling pretty good. My in-laws had left early that morning, and though we enjoyed having them here, I was hoping that with all of our visitors gone maybe life would go back to some kind of normal.

Sometime that morning, I was browsing around on Facebook and saw that another one of my friends from church was pregnant (she makes number 3 right now). That's great! I'm so happy for them, I had actually been starting to wonder. That really was my very first reaction. I was excited for them. Unfortunately, another reaction followed very closely behind that one. I started sobbing. I wanted my daughter back. I miss her so very much! Why is it now that they are all pregnant?

It's amazing how fast a good day can turn bad.

To all of my pregnant friends, especially those at church, I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I really am happy for all of you (though a bit jealous to be completely honest).

Once I had my cry, I decided that I would finally start a community page on Facebook for other families who have also lost a child. It's a place where we can come and tell our stories, share pictures of our babies, and be honest about how we really feel with others that actually understand. It's called Hope: Our journey through miscarriage, stillbirth and SIDS. My day went back up from there. Within an hour, I already had some positive feedback from my new page. Helping people helps me. Through my page, I am able to encourage others and through that I am encouraged.

12/29/11

The followup appointment.

The only thing I have to say about my appointment is that I really like my doctor.

As I hear other people's stores, I am reminded of the many things that I have to be thankful for. One of those, is a good doctor. My doctor is a God-send. When I picked my doctor, I really didn't have anything to go on. I found a list of doctors in town, and all of their bios looked almost identical. The only other thing I had to go on was their picture. As I was browsing through the pictures, I found one particular one, and thought, "He looks nice." I made an appointment with him, and the rest is history. I knew he was the right doctor for me from my first appointment.

Hope was his first stillborn baby, but you never would have known it. He handled everything so well. One particular thing stands out in my mind. After Hope was born, the nurse cleaned her up, handed her to Nathan and quietly left the room. Instead of just leaving, my doctor asked us what we wanted him to do. Did we want him to stay or to leave us alone? I'm not exactly sure why, but we both wanted him to stay in the room with us. I'm sure it was a bit awkward for him, but instead of trying to talk or do anything, he just took a couple of steps back and stood there. That was exactly what we needed him to do. Just be there with us. Then when we were ready, he quietly stepped out of the room.

I thank God for my doctor.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understand. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."