I understand now...

There are a lot of things that I never understood about why people do the things they do.

I understand now.

I wish I didn't. I wish I could have continued being ignorant, but that is not the case.

I was watching a show a while back and this group of ladies was talking about a girl that had passed away. Each of these ladies (mom, sister, and friends) had some sort of charm with some of the girl's ashes in it. They all went on and on about how they wanted to do that so they could feel close to this girl. So they could feel like she was always with them. I thought to myself, "That's kind of odd to carry her ashes around everywhere you go. Don't they understand that she's not there? It's her ashes and nothing else. Her spirit, who she is, is somewhere else." I didn't understand.

I've been to cemeteries and seen graves with a lot of decorations (not just flowers); and heard of people visiting their loved one, not just on a special day or two, but multiple times through the week or month. They visited because they wanted that person to know they weren't forgotten and that they were still cared about. Again, I thought, "Don't these people realize that it is just a body in a grave. Their spirit is not there. That person is not there and doesn't care if you visit or decorate their grave." I didn't understand.

I understand now.

When a friend of mine made me that photo necklace, she offered to put a little vial on it to put something in. Though I didn't take her up on that offer, the thought crossed my mind to have it to put some of Hope's hair in. I wanted to feel like she was close to me. I wanted to feel like she was with me. Sounds familiar doesn't it? What I had once criticized others for thinking, I was now thinking myself. I understand now. I wish I didn't, but I do. I didn't take my friend up on the offer for a vial, but I do have my penny necklace with Hope's name stamped on it that I wear almost all of the time. If it's not that, it is other pieces of "Hope" jewelry that friends and family have given me. I carry her with me everywhere. When I sleep, I have her teddy bear and/or blanket with me. I need to feel her close to me. I understand now.

I went about a month before visiting Hope's grave after her funeral and I felt bad that I hadn't gone sooner. I felt like I had neglected her. I wanted to visit her on Christmas day and to bring her something, but didn't get the chance. I felt like I had let her down. When we did visit a couple of days later, the two graves next to Hope's had decorations and gifts. Hope's grave looked so cold and empty. So alone. It made me feel even worse that I had not made it out on Christmas day with a gift for her. That I had not followed through with my desire to decorate her grave. I know that she doesn't care if I come visit her a lot. I know that she doesn't care if I bring things to her grave. She is in Heaven now and as happy as can be. My head knows that, but my heart tells me otherwise. I understand now.

I understand the need to hold on to anything that reminds me of Hope and to keep it close. I understand the need to visit her grave and to decorate it for special occasions or just because.

I wish I didn't. I wish I was still ignorant. But I'm not. I understand now.

There are still things that people do when they are grieving that I would not personally do. But I understand. Everyone grieves differently. Who am I to judge how they deal with their grief, as long as they are dealing with it. Who are you to judge?

If you do not understand... be thankful. If you do understand, know that you are not alone. I understand, and there are unfortunately many, many others that also understand. And more importantly than that, God understands. He willingly sent His Son to this cruel, sin-cursed earth to die for your sins so that you wouldn't have to. He sacrificed His Son, so that your precious child could spend an eternity in Heaven with Him. And those of us who have accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior have that wonderful, blessed assurance of seeing our sweet babies again some day. If you have not yet accepted Christ as your Savior, I would love to tell you how; so that one day, you too, can see your sweet baby again.

Psalm 34:18,19, & 22b "The Lord is night unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord deliverth him out of them all... and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."

Strong enough

A lot of people keep telling my how strong I am.

Where does my strength come from? My strength comes from my Lord.

The reason we named our daughter Hope is because of that blessed hope we have in our Lord - "Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Savior Jesus Christ." Titus 2:13. Not only can we look forward to the glorious appearing of our Lord, but we can also look forward to seeing our Hope again. That is where my strength comes from. My strength comes from God.


For those of you going through any kind of struggle or trial, prayer and Bible reading are the best way to give you encouragement and strength. I continue to rely on God's strength to get through each day. I know He is with me. My prayer is that I will draw closer to God through this time.

• Psalm 2:4 "I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah." 
• Isaiah 41:10  "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." 
• Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."
• Psalm 16:8 "I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved."
• Psalm 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."
• Isaiah 26:3 "Thou (God) wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusted in Thee."

What encouragement to know that God hears our prayers. I especially love the verse that says to cast all of our burdens on the Lord and He will sustain us. God will carry me through. What encouragement to know that God will give me strength to get through each day.


I Thessalonians 4:13-18 "But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethen, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air; and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words." 


This does not mean that, as Christians, we should not grieve over lost loved ones. It is okay to grieve, it is normal to grieve. Those that do not grieve usually end up being very bitter. The verse says that we don't have to sorrow AS OTHERS that have no hope. I grieve for myself because I miss Hope. But it is a comfort to know that she is waiting for me in Heaven. Those that have not yet put their trust in Jesus Christ as their Savior do not have the hope of seeing their loved ones again. I could not imagine going through this not knowing whether I would ever see Hope again.

Here's another song that I really like. It's called Strong Enough by Matthew West. We do not have to be strong enough to get through the trials of this life. As Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I've edited the song to make it shorter.

You must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do

On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be 

Everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough

For the both of us

Well, maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally at rock bottom

Well, that's when I start looking up

And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be 

Everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough

Cause I'm broken down to nothing

But I'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and you are strong

When I am weak

I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength

And I don't have to be 

Strong enough

When I am weak, He is strong. 

If you have not accepting Christ as your Savior, and do not have that "blessed hope," but want to; please, please, please get in touch with me. I would love to share with you how you can know for sure that you are going to Heaven one day. 

Let it snow...

12/25/11

Merry Christmas.

I didn't think it was going to be a very merry day. I woke up praying that God would help me through the day. It was, in fact, not a "bad" day for me. I tried to continue reminding myself what this day is really about. It's hard to have a really bad day when you're celebrating the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

It was Sunday, so before opening presents, we went to church. I must admit that I had a hard time focusing on what was said. I was thinking about my Hope. This would have been her first Christmas. Just like I had done so many times before she was born, I tried to picture what our life would be like now. This time, it was not with the excitement of what would be, but the longing of what could have been.

After church we came home and opened our Christmas presents. One of the presents my wonderful husband got for me was a Willow Tree figurine called "Hope."

"Hope lifts us up!"

This gift was actually not a surprise.  

It was two weeks after Hope died. We had been surrounded by family and friends (which we were and are very thankful for) ever since Hope died and my mom was still staying with us at the time. We needed some time to ourselves. We decided to go to the mall just to walk around. Even when I'm not looking to buy one, I like going to Hallmark just to look at the Willow Tree figurines. I can tell you a lot of the different ones they have, but I had never noticed this one. God knew I needed to find this piece today. I fell in love with it immediately. It really did lift my spirits. My baby Hope was with Jesus and she was happy! The look on a child's face when they're playing with a balloon for the first time is priceless. I could just picture my Hope in Heaven with a huge grin on her face. So happy to be with her Savior. I couldn't help but smile. 

I still miss my Hope terribly, but I am so happy for her. 

After opening presents, we all went over to the Rodgers' for Christmas dinner. What a wonderful family! They have been a huge blessing to our family, especially in these last few weeks. I wasn't sure about being around so many people that day, but I am so glad we went. We had a really good time. After dinner, we pulled out a puzzle and a few of us worked on it until way too late. It was a good distraction and I had fun. 

Quick story before I move on. I love snow! One year when I was younger, we were going to be traveling to Kansas for Christmas. I'm from the South, so I had never had a white Christmas, or a white anything for that matter. I prayed fervently for months in advance that we would have a white Christmas. If I remember correctly, there was no snow on the ground when we got to my Aunt's house that year. I continued to pray for my white Christmas. I woke up on Christmas morning, rushed to the window, and what did I see? White. Everything was white! God had answered my prayers above and beyond what I had expected. It snowed practically all day. It was a wonderful show that God does answer prayer (even what would seem to be an insignificant prayer). So snowflakes are kind of my reminder of that fact.

I told that story so I could share this. My sister-in-law and I had been praying that we would have snow on Christmas. I had checked the weather and there was no forecast for snow on Christmas. I continued to pray. I wasn't really concerned with a "white Christmas." I just wanted a reminder that God was still there. That He still heard my prayers. I guess that sounds bad and a lot like I have lost faith. I have not. I still firmly believe that God is there and He hears my prayers. It is just nice (especially in times like these) to have a "tangible" reminder. Anyway, as we were sitting down having dinner, it began to snow. It did not snow for very long, but it snowed hard. It was perfect timing, too. If it had not snowed while we were sitting down having dinner, there is a very good possibility I would not have seen it at all. Thank you Lord, for that small token of love. For me, it was like God wrapping His arms around me and saying, "I'm still here for you and I love you."  

He loves you, too. He loves you more than anyone else ever could, because He created you. If you would like to hear more of God's love for you and how He has shown that love, please send me a message. I would be honored to share what God has done in my life and what He wants to do in yours. 

Psalm 50:15

"And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me."

James 1:12

"Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him."

My desire, my prayer

12/24/11

Christmas Eve.

How hard are these two days going to be?

My in-laws have been here since the 21st. One thing we like to do with guests is give them a tour of all the funny painted/decorated houses around town. There are quite a few. I've seen them all many times, but it is still entertaining. Especially with some of them having so many yard "decorations," you're always finding something you hadn't seen before.

After we gave them the tour we went to lunch at Taco Bell. It seems like I can't go anywhere without seeing a baby. Just another reminder. I couldn't help but stare at her. I wanted so badly to go over there, pick that little girl up and just hold her for a minute. I wanted to remember what it was like to hold my baby in my arms.

My heart is still broken and my arms ache to hold my baby girl.

I guess I should have known it was going to be like this. I have been frustrated because I thought I was rounding the corner. Not that I was expecting every day from here on out to be good, but I thought I wouldn't be having multiple bad days in row. Yesterday I was very anxious all day. I finally had to go out for a walk. I thought I was going to go crazy sitting at home all day. I'm sure this time of year will always be hard for me now. The other thing that makes it hard right now is that my in-laws came to see the baby and there is no baby to see. Of course, just about everything right now somehow reminds me that Hope isn't here.

We did have a good afternoon, though. After lunch, we went ice skating. We haven't been ice skating in years. Nathan's mom even got out on the ice for a bit. We had some good laughs. Complete with Jennifer (Nathan's sister) and I acting like we were swimming.

My day went downhill from there.

It seems like after I've had a full day with a lot of distractions it all comes back in the evening and it comes back hard. My nerves are on edge and just the slightest thing sets me off. I needed time to myself. I need to cry. I went back to my room and took out my journal and iPod.

I love music. I can't always think to sit and read my Bible. My mind wanders and I'm not getting anything out of it. A few minutes into reading, I realize that I'm not reading anymore. The same thing with prayer. I try to pray, but there is so much going on in my head that after awhile I realize that I haven't been praying. My answer is to listen to music. I have a few of the songs that I've posted in this blog on my iPod. They are my prayer. They encourage me. They are my reminder that I'm not alone. God is with me and He has been with me the whole time. They also remind me that I'm not the only one hurting. I'm not the only one that has dealt with this kind of pain. Others have gone through this and have come out on top.  They've gone through trials and used their trials to glorify God.

That is my desire.

That is my prayer.

I want to bring glory to God through this trial.

"Bring the Rain" - Mercy Me

"It never really ever crossed my mind to turn my back on you, oh Lord." 

Changed forever

I have so many things I want to say right now. So many things I want to share. I'm having trouble putting it all into words. If you know me, you know I am very random. I do not stay on one train of thought for very long, and there are usually no transitions from one thought to the next. I just jump from one thing to the next, which usually leaves people very confused as to what I'm talking about. This post might be a little like that. 

Today I was thinking that I really wanted to have a picture of Hope to carry around with me. I want to feel her near. I want to be able to look at her beautiful face. The Lord knew. My photo necklace I posted about earlier came in today. My friend did a wonderful job designing my necklace. I love it.

Along with the necklace, she sent me a sweet little note. In it, she said, "Hope will forever be near you and will forever live in the hearts of those who loved her." I was reminded that I wasn't the only one that lost her. I'm not the only one that misses her. We all lost her. She is loved and missed by many. And even though she was only with us for a short time, she impacted all of our lives in a big way. I like to share Hope's story. It is good to know that in her very short life, she has and will impact many lives. A very dear friend sent me this picture this morning. Our lives are forever changed because of my sweet baby Hope. 

I keep thinking back to when I was working. The girls just loved to watch as my belly got bigger and bigger. Stella loved to tell everyone about my growing belly. The last couple of months, I couldn't get out the door without both of the girls giving the baby a kiss. Little Stella would tell me all the time, "I love your baby." I know she did. We all did. 

I know I shared this picture yesterday, but I want to share it again. Isn't she beautiful? 

A good friend told me today that she looks happy in this picture. God is so good. I needed to be reminded. I sometimes forget in my grief that she is so very happy right now. Even though I miss her so much, she is happier than she would ever be here with us and with the only person that loves her more than I do. 

Thank you for reading Hope's story. Thank you to everyone that has shared with me how much Hope has meant to you and that you love and miss her too. My baby girl is so loved! 

Joy comes with the morning.

Saturday, as you've probably already read, was not a good day. But before I went to bed, I was sitting in my chair catching up on Facebook. One of my friends posted in her status, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5. I really needed to hear that verse. There has been a lot of weeping over the last month and a half and it feels like it will never end. It was a wonderful reminder that, no, it won't last forever. I will grieve for a time, but the Lord is helping me through, and "joy cometh in the morning." A few verses back, the psalmist says, "O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me." Later in the chapter the psalmist writes, "Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; to the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever." The Lord hears my prayers and He hears the prayers of everyone else and He is helping me to heal. I will continue to praise Him. I love how the Lord uses other people to be an encouragement without them even knowing it.

My days are getting better. My bad days aren't as bad and my good days are better. Sunday was the first of three good days in a row. I went through Hope's keepsake box again that we got from the hospital, and put a few new things in it. It's still hard to believe sometimes that this has really happened. That she is really gone. So many things we will never get to do with our baby girl. I told Nathan that it will probably be so hard not to completely spoil our next little one.

Sunday night, we did talk about when we would try to get pregnant again. I'm not sure when we will try again, but I'm excited about the prospect. I've gone through different phases since Hope died. My first reaction was that I never wanted to get pregnant again. I never wanted to risk having to go through this hurt again. It was too much. About a week or two later, I became extremely impatient to get pregnant again. I wanted the hurt to go away. I wanted a new baby to fill the emptiness I felt. I kept telling myself that I wasn't trying to replace Hope, but in reality, that is exactly what I wanted to do. Monday, as I was thinking about our conversation the night before, I realized that I was no longer impatient to get pregnant like I was before. I was excited about the prospect of a new baby. Not a replacement for Hope. She is our firstborn and she can't be replaced. Not a baby to help me forget. I don't ever want to forget and time will help me heal. I don't know when we will be ready to try again, but when we do, I will be so excited about having another baby to love. Excited about baby number two - Hope's little brother or little sister.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in gree pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: 

for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. 

Will it ever get easier?

12/12/11

Will it ever get easier? Today was another bad day. There are inconveniences that come along with being pregnant and having a baby that in the end are COMPLETELY worth it. But when you go through all of that and then there is no baby, it's hard to continue to deal with the inconveniences with a good attitude. Today was one of those days where it was really getting to me. In reality, it was me being frustrated that everything wasn't going according to MY plan. I needed someone to vent to so I called my best friend who is way too far away, and we cried together over the phone. I feel very blessed to have a friend that I can call and not have to talk. Someone that I can just cry with. By the time I got off of the phone with her, I was completely exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep, and so I did.

Nathan had picked up some tutoring students to get in some hours while work was slow with his old job. He started his new job lost week, but is still having to keep up with his students, so our (his) schedule has been very crazy. He works a full day and then comes home, just to turn around and go back out again. He is such a hard worker. I was thankful that tonight I didn't have to stay home by myself. I got to go out to dinner with my former boss (now good friend). We had a really good time I'm sure our waitress thought we were nuts, though. We went back and forth from crying to laughing so many times. She was probably wondering what in the world was going on.

We ended up ordering dessert (which was delicious) and staying extra just so we could see a couple get engaged. It was fun to watch the waiters get the table ready and then to watch the couple before hand. The guy chatted nervously throughout their meal and as far as I could tell, the girl sat their oblivious to the fact that he was about to propose. It was cute.

I really am so thankful for the good friends I have that I can talk about Hope with and cry with. Most people don't ask me about Hope. My pregnancy and her birth are usually completely avoided. And that's okay. I know it is probably awkward for most people and they're unsure whether or not I want to talk about her. I don't want people to feel awkward. But I'm a mom too, and just like every other new mom, I want to talk about my baby, I want to hear her name. She might have only been with us for 9 short months, but she is still a huge part of my life and always will be. So I am very thankful for the friends God has placed in my life that are comfortable asking about Hope. I'm thankful for this blog where I can come and talk about my Hope Ann and share her with ya'll whenever I need to. God has blessed me with wonderful friends.

12/13/11

Today was going to be my good day. For about a week or so, my good and bad days just alternated. Since it was going to be a "good" day, I made plans to visit a friend of mine and her new baby girl. I had been trying to figure out when would be a good time to go see the baby. I wasn't sure if any time would have been a good time, but I needed to go. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It felt so good to hold that little baby in my arms. She is so precious. I held her for at least an hour if not longer and she just slept the whole time. I sat there remembering how it felt to hold Hope in my arms. Oh, how I miss having my little girl in my arms.

Another friend and her girls (who I used to nanny for) were also there and we all stayed for lunch. I could feel my good day slipping away. It was hard to see this mom with her new baby girl; feeding her and talking to her. I would never get to do those things with my baby girl. We would never get to have that wonderful Mother/Daughter relationship that I have with my mom. I finished my lunch, and then quickly excused myself . I couldn't hold it in any longer, but I didn't want to break down in front of the girls. My good day was gone and I was exhausted. Again, I retreated to my bed and slept.  It is a good thing I don't have work to go to, because my sleeping schedule is a mess.

12/16/11

Christmas is almost a week away and we hadn't even decorated yet. Partly because Nathan has been so busy with work (and it's must more fun to decorate together), and partly because I just didn't want to this year. It was too hard to think about Christmas without Hope. I feel like it was almost more depressing not having any decorations up, though. It was hard for both of us, but we finally put up a few decorations. We ended up not even finishing, though. We were both tired, and it was hard. At least it does look a little more cheerful around here now. I think the one set of decorations that really makes me sad are the stockings. There were supposed to be three stockings this year, not only two.
It's late as I'm typing this, so my apologies for rambling.

12/17/11

I woke up mad today. Mad at the world. Facebook is a bad place to be when you're mad at the world. So many of my friends are either pregnant or just had their baby in the last month or two. They're all posting pictures and talking about their babies. Even other posts that have nothing to do with pregnancy or babies were irritating me. I needed to get out, so Nathan and I went on a walk around our neighborhood. The fresh air was good, and we had good time; but as we were making our way back, all of those feelings came flooding back. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be in that apartment any more. Everywhere I looked, I was reminded that Hope wasn't with us any more. It still hurts so much. We couldn't stay out forever, so we finally made our way back home. Why was I so mad today. I've felt a lot of things, but today was the first day that I was really mad. I thought that writing might help, so I pulled out my journal. As I started writing the date down, it hit me. December 17th. Hope would have been a month old today. My anger melted away to sadness and I just sat at the table and cried. What would she look like now? What would we be doing today? I wanted Hope to be there with us so badly.

Nathan suggested we go out for awhile and practice shooting our guns. It was a good distraction, but it didn't last long enough. We had plans with friends that evening, and I hoped it, too, would be a good distraction. Unfortunately, I'm still not sleeping that well, and with another emotional day, I was tired early. I made it through the evening, but was very ready to go home and go to bed.  I was ready for this day to be over. Again, I asked Nathan, "Will it ever get easier?"

Blessings

I Thessalonians 5:18a says, "In everything give thanks..." That's a hard verse to follow. I may not be able to thank God yet for taking Hope so soon, but there are still a lot of things that I can be thankful for. It really does help to just take a step back and remind yourself (myself) of all the many things there are to thank God for. I am most thankful for my relationships - God, my husband, family and friends. There are many women going through the same trial that do not have a relationship with God or the promise that they will one day see their baby again. And my husband, I could go on for a long time about how wonderful Nathan has been through all of this. The night we spent in the hospital, he spent most of it sitting next to my bed holding my hand or running his hands through my hair while I tried to sleep. He took care of making all of the phone calls and making all of the arrangements for Hope's funeral when that was the last thing I wanted to think about. He stayed home with me on what should have been his first day at his new job because I was having an awful morning.  He's stayed up late with me many nights just holding me while I cried even though he was exhausted. As I said, I could go on, but I'll stop there. I know that not everyone going through the loss of a child has such a close relationship with their spouse. I couldn't imagine going through this without him. I am so very thankful that God has blessed me with such a wonderful husband. Our family and friends have also been a wonderful support. Both of our parents came out immediately and it was so good to have them here. We've received so many messages and cards from friends and family that are not close by, letting us know they are praying for us. And the support of friends that are close by has been such an encouragement. God has blessed me with wonderful friends! I feel like I'm rambling again. I will probably do that a lot here.

I'm thankful for the generosity of Short's Funeral Chapel, who donated Hope's casket and held her service for free. I went to the cemetery yesterday for the first time since the funeral. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I had already had a good cry that morning, so maybe that helped. I know that Hope isn't really there, but it's still kind of hard to think of her little body buried there; which is probably why I hadn't stopped by before yesterday. I like to think of Hope where she really is - in Heaven.

I'm thankful for the photographer that took such beautiful pictures of Hope and the lady that did the touch up work on those pictures. I don't ever want to forget her precious face. I'm also thankful for all of the other little reminders I have of Hope. A friend of mine sent me a beautiful "Heart Full of Hope" bracelet the other day, and here is the start of a photo necklace a friend is making for me.

(https://www.facebook.com/holliewooddesign)

Hope will always be a part of this family and she will always hold a special place in my heart. She will never be forgotten.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

Overwhelming Sadness

It's a beautiful day outside. The blinds are open and the sunshine is pouring in. I'm sitting here listening to Christmas music and drinking a cup of coffee. All is right in the world... Four weeks ago, that is what I would have been thinking - but not today. It is a beautiful day outside, but I wish it were snowing. I'm listening to Christmas music, but where's the Christmas cheer? And my coffee mug... it's empty. I'm sitting here thinking of my friend who just found out this week that her baby boy has a terminal disease; a man who's wife has a brain tumor and the prognosis isn't good - their two little boys will probably have to grow up without a mother; 5 children who had to go back to a mother that doesn't deserve them instead of staying with a wonderful couple that loves them dearly; the many friends that I love so much who have yet to accept Christ as their Savior and experience the wonderful peace and joy that comes with knowing Him and knowing that Heaven awaits those who believe; and most of all, I'm thinking of my beautiful baby girl that I miss so much.

Last night was another bad night. I laid in bed and it just hit me all over again. My arms ached to hold her. I also thought that sounded weird when I'd hear others say it. Now I understand. No, it's not a physical pain. I don't even know how to describe it, but it's there. I just wanted to sleep, but sleep alluded me. Nathan was so sweet, and just held me as I cried. I feel bad. I know I keep up him many nights tossing and turning and crying. You'll never here him complain, though. At least when I do finally fall asleep on nights like that, I sleep hard... and late. Today has not been any better. Just about anything baby/pregnancy related makes me cry. There have been a couple of times today that an overwhelming sadness has come over me and it feels like a huge weight is sitting on my chest. I just can't seem to snap out of it today. Will it ever get easier?

Today might be a bad day, and I'm sure there will be many more to come in the weeks and months ahead, but I know that God is with me. I'm reminded of the poem Footprints in the Sand by Mary Stevenson. I don't always remember to pray and ask God to help me through each day, but I know He's there. He promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us and He hasn't. He's been with us this whole time, carrying me through this trial. And I will come out on the other said of this storm stronger and closer to Him than I've ever been. To everyone that has continued to lift us up in prayer, thank you. When I couldn't think to pray, you prayed for me. God has heard your prayers and answered them.

Here's another song that I've listened to over and over again in the last couple of weeks.

"Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure my now

That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say, "Amen," and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

And as your mercy falls I raise my hands

And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands

For You are who You are no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand

You never left my side and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry, You raised me up again

But my strength is almost gone

How can I carry on if I can't find you

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands 

And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands

For You are who You are no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand

You never left my side and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

My God is the same God today as He was 4 weeks ago and I will continue to praise Him. And I know that He will continue to be with me and help me through this storm. For when I'm weak, He is strong. 

"Thank you Lord for all that You have done in my life!"

Hebrews 13:5b"I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."

Ramblings

It has been three weeks since Hope was stillborn and I still miss her terribly. I feel the need to write, but I don't know what to say. I hope you don't mind if I ramble.

We've made it through Thanksgiving. Nathan's parents had to go back home, but both of my parents were able to be here for Thanksgiving. It was so good to have them both here with us. They continued to be a good distraction for me, and the day was not as bad as I thought it would be. We do still have so many things to be thankful for this year.

My mom was able to stay for two weeks, in which time we did a lot of shopping and watched a lot of movies. She's gone home now and Nathan started his new job this week. No more distractions. It's time for me to come back to the real world. But I'm not ready. I'm supposed to be busy feeding, changing diapers, and playing with my daughter; not trying to distract myself by coming up with new business ventures. I had dropped Mom off at the airport VERY early Tuesday morning and with her gone the realization of what I had lost hit me all over again. I barely made it home before I completely lost it. Nathan hadn't gotten up for work yet, so I crawled back into bed and cried. There was no more pretending, no more denial. It was like my heart broke all over again. Nathan just held me as I continued to cry. It was actually supposed to be his first day of work, but his boss was gracious enough to let him stay home an extra day to be with me. I miss Hope so much. Does it ever get easier?

Everyone has been so thoughtful and generous through this very rough time. We continue to get cards in the mail almost everyday and I'm still wading through the many Facebook messages I've gotten since we found out. Friends and people I don't even know continue to send me messages letting me know that they are still praying for me even after 3 weeks. I am amazed by all of the love we've been shown. For those of you that have sent us cards and messages, thank you so much for the encouraging words and for reminding us that we are not alone. I knew that miscarriages and stillbirths were more common than most people think, but I was surprised and saddened by how many of our friends have gone through what we are going through right now. I hope that in some way this blog might be an encouragement to those that have gone through such a horrible trial already and for those that will unfortunately go through this in the future. I am always open to talk if you need someone to talk to that understands at least in some way what you're going through.

There is something else that I'd like to accomplish through this blog. I'd like to tell everyone about the wonderful God I serve. John 3:16 say that God loves us so much that He sent his only son to die for us so that whoever believes in him would have eternal life. We are all sinners and in need of God's salvation. Without it, we are destined for Hell. But Jesus came to earth, lived a sinless life, and died for our sins so that we wouldn't have to. Then three days later, He rose from dead and now sits at the right hand of God. All you have to do to have eternal life is to believe in Jesus Christ as your Savior. I'd love to tell you more of what God has done in my life. If you have any questions, please contact me. I'd love to talk to you more about my wonderful Savior.

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." 

Romans 15:13

"Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Savior Jesus Christ;" Titus 2:13

God is coming back one day. Are you going to be ready? 

Forever with the Lord

~November 21, 2011~

The day had finally come. Hope would be buried today. I was not ready for this day. How was I going to make it through? I think I went through most of it in a daze. I couldn't think. I didn't want to think. It was a beautiful service, though, and the Lord did help me through. One of the songs that Nathan picked out for the funeral was actually a song that I had sung over and over the night I was in the hospital. It's called Rejoice in the Lord.

Rejoice in the Lord

God never moves without purpose or plan
When trying His servant and molding a man.
Give thanks to the LORD though your testing seems long;
In darkness He giveth a song.

I could not see through the shadows ahead;
So I looked at the cross of my Savior instead.
I bowed to the will of the Master that day;
Then peace came and tears fled away.

Now I can see testing comes from above;
God strengthens His children and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;
Through purging more fruit I will bear.

O Rejoice in the LORD
He makes no mistake,
He knoweth the end of each path that I take,
For when I am tried
And purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

It has not been easy and sometimes Nathan has to remind me, but I know that I can still trust in the Lord.

Our prayer that day was that God would use the service to bring some of our friends to Christ. Our pastor did a great job of presenting the gospel and we continue to pray that it had an impact on people's lives. I am so thankful for the promises of God so that I can know I will see Hope again one day. I Thessalonians 4:16-17 "For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord." I can't even imagine what it would be like to go through this without knowing I would see Hope again.

I did hear the other day that a friend of mine has been sharing our story and through it 2 people have gotten saved already. God does have a purpose and plan in everything He does. It doesn't make it hurt any less and if I can be completely honest, a big part of me says, "I don't care about them, I want my daughter back!" But as the song above reminds me, God doesn't make mistakes and I can and will rejoice in the fact that there are at least 2 more people that will spend an eternity in heaven. And I will continue to pray that others will come to know the joy and peace that Nathan and I have in our wonderful God and Savior. With the help of some of my friends, I won a stamped penny necklace on Facebook from Design By Any Other Name (https://www.facebook.com/DesignByAnyOtherName). I had her stamp Romans 15:13 on the front as a reminder that I can still have joy and peace, even in this difficult time, "through the power of the Holy Ghost." And of course, I wanted Hope's name on the back.

My penny necklace

She even made a key chain for Nathan.

"Now the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, 

that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."

Romans 15:13

Hope's Teddy Bear

This bear kept Hope company at the funeral home

and now it keeps me company when I need

something tangible to hold on to.

Grieving

~November 19, 2011~

Another day. It still didn't seem real. Those first few days almost seemed easier to get through. There was a lot going on and I was probably in denial. We had a few visitors that day and then that evening we went over to a friend's house for supper. My mom made a delicious gumbo - one of my favorite Cajun dishes. We did have a good evening, but I did not make it through the evening without breaking down. I saw something that reminded me of Hope and I lost it. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything where I wasn't reminded of what I had lost.

~November 20, 2011~

Time to myself. From the time we found out we had lost Hope, I had barely any time to myself. I was very thankful for the friends and family that were there to support us those first few days, but now I needed some time to myself. I needed to be able to grieve without worrying about what others thought or needed. I planned this time for Sunday morning when everyone else would be at church.

I got out of bed as everyone was leaving and quickly got everything together that I needed. There were a few things that people had given us/me that had been too hard for me to look at before, as well as a few songs that I wanted/needed to listen to. I spent the next 30-45 minutes crying over each piece; remembering the last 9 months I spent with my precious daughter and grieving over the lost dreams of the future.

I'd like to share a few of those things with you.

We were given this blanket before we left the hospital. It is from a wonderful organization called Project Linus (http://www.projectlinus.org/). I don't know who Grama Glo is, but I love the beautiful blanket she made.

Hope's Blanket

I made this onesie for Hope at my baby shower. Not knowing then whether I was having a boy or a girl, she was my little turkey.

Hope's Onesie

A very special little girl made this card for me. I love it.

A mommy turkey & and baby turkey.

My mom actually bought this Willow Tree figurine for me the morning we found out that Hope had passed away. She didn't know at the time that our precious gift had already gone to Heaven.

"Our Gift"
Though we only had Hope for 9 months,
she was God's gift to us - our beautiful gift. 

A dear friend of ours from Ohio wrote this poem for us.

Trust and See

I was fearfully and wonderfully made,

As God covered me in your womb.

While my substance was still yet imperfect,

My members, in His book, there was room.

I was no secret to God as He formed me.

For His glory, He shared me with you,

Just long enough so you'd know me

When we meet face to face o'er the blue.

I'll know you when I see you;

You'll know me, too, as we meet - 

I look like you, and yet like Christ. 

I'll be sitting at His feet.

Remember, now, God's wisdom - 

He knew what was best for me.

He'll also help to ease the time

of waiting, trust and see.

I'd also like to share a couple of songs that have been a help to me. 

Held by Natalie Grant

I know that God is holding me.

"For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee."

Isaiah 41:13

I Will Carry You by Selah

"I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you."

There are more, but I'll share them periodically in my later posts. 

I was glad to have that time to myself. I felt much better afterward and actually had a good afternoon. We all went out to lunch with some friends from church and that night we crowded around Nathan's computer to watch a movie. God has truly blessed us with great friends and family. 

God was with us in the hospital and I knew that He would continue to walk with us through the days and months ahead. We were going to be okay. 

My Hope's with Him

As I read my Bible the other morning I was reminded again that Hope doesn't belong to me. She never did. She was God's from the very beginning. God allowed me to have 9 wonderful months with her and for that I am grateful. Through this whole ordeal, I never once thought "I wish I would never have gotten pregnant." Losing Hope hurts more than anything I've ever gone through, but I would not change the last 9 months for anything. She is my daughter and I love her dearly. I cling to God's promise that I will see her again one day.

"The earth is the Lord's, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein." Psalm 24:1

~November 18, 2011~

My dad got in about midnight. A wonderful friend of ours made two trips to Spokane (about a 4 hour round trip) twice in one day to pick up my parents. My dad actually wasn't going to be able to come any sooner than he had originally planned, which was more than a week away, but people at the sheriff's department at home chipped in and bought him a plane ticket. There were so many times throughout this whole ordeal that it was obvious God was with us and was taking care of us. I barely slept that night. Once guests left and my mom went to bed, Nathan and I sat down to go through the overwhelming number of Facebook posts and messages. It was encouraging to see how many people were praying for us from all over the country. Between staying up late and having trouble sleeping, I maybe got 3 hours of sleep.

We did have a good morning, though. My parents, Nathan, and I all crowded on the couch to watch some funny videos that someone posted on Facebook. It was good to laugh. That afternoon my dad, Nathan, and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements for Hope's funeral and run a couple of errands. Nathan  took care of all of the arrangements so that I didn't have to think about it. I know it had to be done, but I was not interested in being involved in the process.

Nathan's parents got in that afternoon and that evening we all went to the funeral home to see Hope one last time. She looked so peaceful lying there in that tiny casket. I wanted so badly to pick her up and hold her and never let her go. It wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to be happening. I wanted my baby girl back! After a little while, our parents left us alone with our daughter. Our precious Hope. I could have stayed there in that room all night. I didn't want to leave. I kissed her cheek one last time and we left.

It was another rough night. As I was lying there in bed, all I could think about was Hope. Her bassinet was still sitting next to our bed. A constant reminder that she was supposed to be there with us, not alone in the funeral home. I cried myself to sleep again that night.

A story of Hope

~November 30, 2011~

Two weeks ago we lost our baby girl. I say "we lost," but I know exactly where she is. She's Home with her Heavenly Father.Though it is not what we wanted or what we had planned, I know she is much happier there than she ever would be here on earth. Nathan and I always joked that our child would be perfect. We were right. She is perfect. Not only is she perfect, but as my husband has said, "Hope lived the best life anyone ever could. She never felt pain, and the first person she ever saw was her Savior."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found out on March 11th that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic! I wanted to tell everyone - including the cashier at WinCo and some random lady in the parking lot.

We were going to have a baby!

One of the happiest days of my life.

It took a few days before the reality of it set in. I felt like I had been waiting forever to have a baby. I could hardly believe it was true. We waited about a month to tell everyone, because we wanted to tell our parents first and in person (my parents live in Louisiana and Nathan's in Ohio). That was probably the longest month of my pregnancy.

In all, I'd say I had a fairly easy pregnancy. Each doctor's visit came and went without any problems. I remember the first time I got to see my baby. She was so tiny, she just looked like a spot on the screen. But she was my baby. I almost cried lying there on the table looking at my baby and listening to her heartbeat. I was so happy. Another 11 weeks went by and it was time for another ultrasound. It was so much fun watching our little baby move around. The ultrasound tech had a hard time getting all of the pictures she needed because the baby wouldn't be still. I was okay with that. I wanted this to last as long as possible. Nathan and I decided not to find out the gender until the baby was born. We wanted to be surprised. We had names picked out for both a boy and a girl (they were actually picked out before I was even pregnant), but until we found out what we were having, we called the baby Turkey. Nathan's idea, of course, since the baby would be born right around Thanksgiving. The ultrasound tech made a few short video clips of Turkey moving around and I probably watched them at least 10 times just that afternoon. The last half of the pregnancy seemed to drag on. I was large, uncomfortable, and I couldn't wait to meet my baby. The best part about it, though, was watching and feeling her move. Hope was so active in the evenings. Okay, so she was active almost all day, but especially in the evenings. Nathan and I would usually sit down to watch a show in the evenings and I would be so distracted watching my belly move. She was part of our nightly entertainment. One night, Nathan laid his head on my belly to listen to her heartbeat. Instead of hearing a heartbeat, he got a punch in the face. I laughed so hard. She had to get one in while she could get away with it.

Everything seemed so perfect...

~November 16, 2011~

Our lives were changed forever that day. It started off like any other day. Nathan left for work, and it was my day off, so I was having a relaxing morning at home. Right before noon, I realized that I hadn't felt the baby move all morning. I thought it was odd, but I could have just missed it. I grabbed a quick snack and laid down on the couch to see if I could get Turkey to start moving. As I'm doing this, I realize that I don't remember the baby moving the night before either. I laid on my side... nothing. I thought to myself, "Okay, I'll try my lying on my back. That always works." Nothing. I'm beginning to panic now. There might be something wrong. I push on my belly, expecting to feel little hands or feet push back. I feel them, but they aren't pushing back. Now I know something is wrong. I call Nathan. He tries to reassure me, but says to call the doctor if I'm really worried. It was 12:30pm, and my doctor was out to lunch, so I had to leave a message. I'm really panicking now. She calls back a couple of minutes later and tells me to go the the birthing center now. I called Nathan and he leaves work to meet me there.

I explain to the nurses what's going on. Though I pretty much knew already, I could see in their faces that this was not good. One of the nurses takes me to a room, hooks me up to a monitor, and checks for a heartbeat. Nothing. This whole time I'm praying. Praying that the baby was really okay. I hadn't given up yet. My doctor always had a hard time finding the heartbeat. The nurse leaves to call my doctor so that they can do an ultrasound. While she's gone, another nurse comes in to give it a try. Again, nothing. No one has said anything yet, but I knew. The ultrasound tech comes in, along with a doctor, the two nurses that had already checked me and another nurse. Nathan gets there as they start doing the ultrasound. Still no one says anything, but I've had an ultrasound done before. I know what it's supposed to look like. There was no flutter showing the heartbeat. There was no movement at all. Our baby was gone. It's was one thing to know, but to hear the doctor say it out loud... I wanted to scream. It was the worst moment of my life.  I wanted them out. Why was it taking them so long to leave the room. They finally left and we were alone. We couldn't hold it in any longer. We broke down and cried. Cried harder than we had ever cried. How could this be? Everything was fine just a couple of days ago. I was less than a week away from my due date. Everything was ready for us to bring home our little one. We were ready. We would never get the chance to bring our baby home, though. She was already with the Lord.

I have a hard time keeping everything that happened after that straight. It all seems like a blur. We were in shock. All we could do was sit there, heartbroken and empty, and cry. My doctor showed up about 45 minutes later and explained what was next and prayed with us. I chose this doctor from a picture and mini bio that said almost the exact same thing as all of the other bios said. But I know it wasn't just chance. I couldn't have asked for a better doctor to be there during the hardest two days of my life. The Lord was watching over me.

Because I was barely dilated, the doctor administered a medicine to help speed it along. He had to give me that medicine twice, but by the end of the 8 hours (we had to wait 4 hours after each pill before they could do anything) there was still no change. During that time, Nathan made the necessary phone calls to our parents and a few close friends in town. God surely did bless us with great friends. For most of those 8 hours, we were not alone. They were a wonderful distraction during this awful waiting period. When there was still no change after 8 hours and my contractions were barely painful we decided that I'd try to get some sleep and we'd start again in the morning. It was a long night, and neither of us got very much sleep.

~November 17, 2011~

I woke up at about 7:30am and at 9:43am I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was 6 pounds, 12.7 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long. Hope Ann. It was not the original name we had picked out, but it was fitting. The Biblical definition of hope is "a strong and confident expectation". I know that one day I will see my daughter again. She is waiting for me in Heaven.

Once they got her cleaned up, Nathan and I both got a chance to hold Hope. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful. She had dark brown hair, my nose and her daddy's chin. It was so hard to let her go. The hospital had a photographer there from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/) that took wonderful pictures of Hope and we are so thankful to have them along with a few other keepsakes the hospital gave to us.

We left the hospital that afternoon lost and empty. Our lives were changed forever. What's next? I know God has a purpose and a plan for us in all of this. Though I don't know what it is, I pray that God will use this tragedy to bring glory to Him and that through this others might be saved. Will it bring Hope back? Will it take away the hurt I feel so deeply? No. No it won't. But if God is glorified through this, it won't be nothing.

I wasn't planning on this post being so long, but once I started telling the story, I couldn't stop. I want to tell Hope's story and I want to share with you my hope.
"Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Savior, Jesus Christ." Titus 2:13