Thursday, May 10, 2012
Losing a child is one of the worst things you can possibly go through and the pain you feel is, at times, all consuming. It is not something you can control. It is not something you just make go away.
I had my very first anxiety attack today. What brought it on, you ask? Other than the horrible thought that my daughter is dead and it will (more than likely) be a long time before I get to see her again in Heaven? Other than the constant reminder that I'll never get to watch her grow up, get married, have children of her own?
Nothing.
I was sitting in Logan's Roadhouse having a nice conversation with my parents about something completely unrelated. I had been somewhat antsy all afternoon when if finally came to a head and I had to excuse myself from the restaurant before I made a scene. I made it out to the truck and called my husband before I completely lost it. It wasn't pretty. I was crying uncontrollably. I could barely breathe...
Why am I telling you this? Why am I sharing something that is so personal and shows how vulnerable I am right now? It's not because I want to. In fact, I'm somewhat embarrassed by it.
I'm telling you, because I want you to know that you're not the only one. You're not crazy. You're not alone.
Grief is a process. Unfortunately, sometimes it can be a long one. Yes, there are wrong and harmful ways to deal with it and express it. But do not feel like, just because you've had an anxiety attack or something similar, that you're doing something wrong or that you're not "handling" it properly. It takes time. Give yourself time. Pray that God will give you the strength to make it through and the peace of knowing that He is in control. (Preaching to myself here.)
Romans 15:13
"Now the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in HOPE, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
Thank you for this post. I have not dealt with the grief you are dealing with, but I have/am going through something difficult and at the beginning (years ago) I had not idea grief was like this. I had a picture that a godly person would only feel peace and I was perplexed and very discouraged when what I felt was close to anguish. I didn't think they could coexsist. I am so thankful to see people being honest about grief and the fact that you can believe God to be absolutely Who He says He is and still feel such anguish in your heart. Will not even talk about the source of my pain b/c I do not by doing that want to minimize yours. I am so sorry for this very hard path you are on. It shouldn't be- and in heaven it wont' be anymore.
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