Don't cry over spilled milk.

That seems simple enough, right? Wrong.

I've lost count of how many times I've cried over stupid, simple, insignificant things in the past 6 months. I haven't cried over spilled milk yet (because I haven't spilled any), but I have cried over ruined dinners, spilling beads all over the floor, dropping an almost completed necklace and having to string it all over again, and the list goes on.

Many people have said that it's just the overwhelming sense of grief just coming to the surface at that moment. I don't believe that's the case, though I have had that happen.

Overwhelmed...

One of the meanings for overwhelmed is "buried or drowned beneath a huge mass." That's a pretty accurate description.

When I ruin a meal and start to cry, it's not because the grief just comes flooding back. No, it's because my emotions are on overdrive (to say the least), and anything that comes up that I'm not prepared for sends me over the edge.

It overwhelms me.
My chest tightens up.
I feel like I have a brick on top of me.
I start to cry.

It's been over 6 months now. I don't ALWAYS cry over a ruined dinner or spilled beads anymore, but my chest still tightens up and I have to remind myself to take deep breaths to calm myself down.

What overwhelms me? A LOT.

Maybe one day I'll be back to the Maegan that everyone knows and loves. But for now, you're stuck with me. Quiet, anti-social, and guarded me.

Do you struggle with being overwhelmed? Pray with me. Pray that God will give you the grace and the peace and the strength you need to overcome.

2 Thessalonians 3:16
"Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all."

You're not the only one...

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Losing a child is one of the worst things you can possibly go through and the pain you feel is, at times, all consuming. It is not something you can control. It is not something you just make go away.

I had my very first anxiety attack today. What brought it on, you ask? Other than the horrible thought that my daughter is dead and it will (more than likely) be a long time before I get to see her again in Heaven? Other than the constant reminder that I'll never get to watch her grow up, get married, have children of her own?
Nothing.
I was sitting in Logan's Roadhouse having a nice conversation with my parents about something completely unrelated. I had been somewhat antsy all afternoon when if finally came to a head and I had to excuse myself from the restaurant before I made a scene. I made it out to the truck and called my husband before I completely lost it. It wasn't pretty. I was crying uncontrollably. I could barely breathe...

Why am I telling you this? Why am I sharing something that is so personal and shows how vulnerable I am right now? It's not because I want to. In fact, I'm somewhat embarrassed by it.

I'm telling you, because I want you to know that you're not the only one.  You're not crazy. You're not alone.

Grief is a process. Unfortunately, sometimes it can be a long one. Yes, there are wrong and harmful ways to deal with it and express it. But do not feel like, just because you've had an anxiety attack or something similar, that you're doing something wrong or that you're not "handling" it properly. It takes time. Give yourself time. Pray that God will give you the strength to make it through and the peace of knowing that He is in control. (Preaching to myself here.)

Romans 15:13
"Now the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in HOPE, through the power of the Holy Ghost."