We weren't able to do the balloon release for Hope's birthday on her birthday, but we were able to the day after. We've decided that for the foreseeable future, we'll release one balloon for every year on her birthday.
I've known for awhile that I wanted to do a balloon release for Hope's birthday, and somewhat understood the reason behind a balloon release as a memorial, but never really put much thought into beyond that. I just knew I liked the idea and wanted to do it as another way to "celebrate" Hope's birthday. I had no idea of the impact it would have on me. As I mentioned in my last post, I was somewhat in denial on Hope's birthday, so this being the day after, it all seemed so much more real for me.
We had gotten 3 other balloons (two pink and one "Happy Birthday" Mylar balloon) to leave at Hope's grave, but as we were getting out of the car the wind caught one of the pink ones and it was gone. That's when it really hit me. Just like that balloon, my daughter was gone and there was nothing we could do to bring her back. So instead, we do little things here and there to remember her and to feel like we're close to her. Releasing balloons is one of those things.
Hope's Balloon
Maybe Hope can see them up in Heaven. I like to think she can.
Well, it's finally here. The date I've been dreading for quite some time. It's been a weird few days for me. I've somewhat reverted back to how I felt the weeks following Hope's death - in denial and overwhelmed by people.
I wanted to think about Hope, remember her, and make this day all about her; yet my brain would not let me focus. It just doesn't seem real. We did a couple of different things for her birthday, and yet the whole time there was some kind of disconnect. How do you process the fact that your trying to celebrate your daughter's first birthday, when she's not even here. She should be walking/running around laughing and playing, instead, we're doing what we can to keep her memory alive. The only time it felt real today was when we were standing over her grave tonight. Please don't think me morbid. I'm just trying to be honest.
So how did we celebrate Hope's birthday? I had originally planned a party, complete with cake and ice cream. But the closer we got to her birthday, the more I realized it would be best to keep the day more low key, and I'm so glad I did.
With Hope's birth being so close to Christmas (and the fact that you can find the word Hope on so many things) we received quite a few ornaments last year. We decided that it would be special for Hope to have her own Christmas tree and to set it up on her birthday. Our plan is to add one ornament to it each year from now on.
We also bought a little Christmas tree to put out at her grave and a cute little snowman. The other flowers are from family and friends.
Cards and flowers from family and friends.
This day was definitely not what we wanted or expected, but we did what we could to make it a special day. And though it does not make it all better (or better at all), it is comforting to know that Hope is having the best birthday she could ever have celebrating it with her Creator. I guess we're learning an important parenting lesson now. What's best for our children is not always easy for us.
-----For those of you who haven't made it to your child's special day, remember it's okay to do what's best for you. If having people come over to remember your child together is what's best for you, then that's what you should do. But if you'd prefer to be alone and do something small (or nothing at all), then that's what you should do. I know it's easy to do (and that others think it irrational - don't listen to them), but you don't need to feel guilty for throwing a big get together for a child that is no longer here, for doing nothing at all, or doing anything in between. Your child knows you love him/her no matter what you do on that day.-----
In Memory of Hope Ann Lewis - Gone Too Soon
"The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart;" Psalm 34:18a
