You're Not Helping.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant for anyone in particular. We (those of us in the baby loss community) know that you don't understand and do not expect you to, but we also know that there are those out there that genuinely want to help. This is something that we'd really like to explain to you.

I'm just going to jump right in, because there is really no easy way to say this.

Acting like nothing ever happened DOES NOT HELP. In fact, it makes things worse. Just because our child is no longer with us, does not mean he or she didn't exist. Pretending like it never happened makes us feel even more isolated and alone.

I get it. You're afraid that if you bring up our child, it will make us sad or it will make us cry.  First of all, you can't make us more sad than we already are that our child is not with us.

Here's an easy way to explain this. Parents, particularly those with small children, your child is on your mind practically all of the time, right? It's the same for us. Just because our child is not with us, doesn't mean we don't think about him or her a lot. They will ALWAYS be our children, no matter how long they've been gone.

Here's another thought. As a parent of older children, at what age did your child stop being on your mind all day? I can imagine it's YEARS. So why do people expect us to just move on in MONTHS? Just a thought.

So by trying to ignore what has happened doesn't make us less sad it makes us more sad.

I'm not saying that every time you see me, you bring up my child. But what I am saying is don't act like it never happened and don't expect me to act like it never happened.

Don't know what to say? Words aren't always necessary. Sometimes just a hug or a handshake is all that's necessary. For instance: there's a man I know. He hasn't mentioned Hope in quite awhile, but almost every time I see him, he comes up to me and gives me a hug and a knowing look. He doesn't have to say anything. He remembers Hope and he remembers me. And I appreciate him for it.

Words are good too. If you really do want to say something, just tell the person you're thinking about them and that you're praying for them. It's encouraging and they'll appreciate it. This is particularly true during holidays or special dates (birthdays or "death days").

And lastly. Mother's Day and Father's Day. It doesn't help to exclude us, but "Happy Mother's Day" or "Happy Father's Day" isn't quite what we want to hear. Believe me, it's not a happy day. The best thing you can do is to do as I stated above. Simply say, "I'm thinking about you and praying for you today."

To all that took the time to read this, I think I speak on behalf of of everyone in this community - thank you.

"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope."

Easier said than done.

Would ya'll like some more honesty?

I've really struggled over the past few months with keeping up with my devotions. Why? It's not because I'm mad at God. It's not because I'm trying to "avoid" Him. Since Hope died I have had ZERO motivation to do anything. There are two things that I usually do: absolutely nothing (which usually involves watching TV or aimlessly strolling through Facebook) or doing everything possible to keep my mind occupied so that I don't have to think (which is usually working, beading, or cleaning - because it HAS to be done).
Reading the Bible doesn't fall under either of those categories. Reading takes motivation and some energy and it takes thought. As I sit and read, I must think. I must work through what the verses are saying and what they mean to me. And I must work through the death of my daughter.

It's necessary. It's important. And it's hard.

But today is a new day. I will strive to do better. I will strive to put more time into the most important relationship there is - my relationship with God.

So what's easier said than done?

James 1:2-3 " My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations (various trials); knowing this, that the trying (testing) of your faith worketh (produces) patience." 

Wow! Really? 

You want me to "count it all joy" when my daughter has died? 

Now, it's not saying that I should rejoice because my daughter died. But I should rejoice in that through this trial, if I persevere, I will come out on the other side more like Christ.

2 Peter 1:6 "And to knowledge temperance (self-control); and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;"

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed (does not disappoint); because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."  

Either way, it's still hard. Most days, it is encouraging and helpful to hear from others, that we have helped them in some way. And that's what the rejoicing is all about. Rejoicing that God is being glorified through this awful trial. That I'm growing in Him and allowing Him to work through me.

BUT... that's not always the case. There are some days where I don't care. All I care about is that my daughter is gone. That's great that other people are getting their lives together because of something I've said, but that doesn't bring Hope back.

That's my battle. It's easy to get mad and bitter (and I'll admit that I am both at times). But that doesn't help. And that definitely doesn't bring Hope back either. So I take it one day at a time, and that's what you should do as well. Just because you've had a bad day and you're angry and bitter, don't think that you've failed. Tomorrow is a new day. Choose to allow God to use you. Choose to bring glory to God through your trials.

Lord, I want to be more like You. I want to come out on the other side a better Christian. I want to bring you glory. But right now, I am in the middle of the storm. Some days are good, but other days I struggle to keep my head above water. I need your grace and strength to make it through on top. Please give me that grace and strength. 

"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee."  Psalm 143:8