You're Not Helping.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant for anyone in particular. We (those of us in the baby loss community) know that you don't understand and do not expect you to, but we also know that there are those out there that genuinely want to help. This is something that we'd really like to explain to you.

I'm just going to jump right in, because there is really no easy way to say this.

Acting like nothing ever happened DOES NOT HELP. In fact, it makes things worse. Just because our child is no longer with us, does not mean he or she didn't exist. Pretending like it never happened makes us feel even more isolated and alone.

I get it. You're afraid that if you bring up our child, it will make us sad or it will make us cry.  First of all, you can't make us more sad than we already are that our child is not with us.

Here's an easy way to explain this. Parents, particularly those with small children, your child is on your mind practically all of the time, right? It's the same for us. Just because our child is not with us, doesn't mean we don't think about him or her a lot. They will ALWAYS be our children, no matter how long they've been gone.

Here's another thought. As a parent of older children, at what age did your child stop being on your mind all day? I can imagine it's YEARS. So why do people expect us to just move on in MONTHS? Just a thought.

So by trying to ignore what has happened doesn't make us less sad it makes us more sad.

I'm not saying that every time you see me, you bring up my child. But what I am saying is don't act like it never happened and don't expect me to act like it never happened.

Don't know what to say? Words aren't always necessary. Sometimes just a hug or a handshake is all that's necessary. For instance: there's a man I know. He hasn't mentioned Hope in quite awhile, but almost every time I see him, he comes up to me and gives me a hug and a knowing look. He doesn't have to say anything. He remembers Hope and he remembers me. And I appreciate him for it.

Words are good too. If you really do want to say something, just tell the person you're thinking about them and that you're praying for them. It's encouraging and they'll appreciate it. This is particularly true during holidays or special dates (birthdays or "death days").

And lastly. Mother's Day and Father's Day. It doesn't help to exclude us, but "Happy Mother's Day" or "Happy Father's Day" isn't quite what we want to hear. Believe me, it's not a happy day. The best thing you can do is to do as I stated above. Simply say, "I'm thinking about you and praying for you today."

To all that took the time to read this, I think I speak on behalf of of everyone in this community - thank you.

"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope."

Easier said than done.

Would ya'll like some more honesty?

I've really struggled over the past few months with keeping up with my devotions. Why? It's not because I'm mad at God. It's not because I'm trying to "avoid" Him. Since Hope died I have had ZERO motivation to do anything. There are two things that I usually do: absolutely nothing (which usually involves watching TV or aimlessly strolling through Facebook) or doing everything possible to keep my mind occupied so that I don't have to think (which is usually working, beading, or cleaning - because it HAS to be done).
Reading the Bible doesn't fall under either of those categories. Reading takes motivation and some energy and it takes thought. As I sit and read, I must think. I must work through what the verses are saying and what they mean to me. And I must work through the death of my daughter.

It's necessary. It's important. And it's hard.

But today is a new day. I will strive to do better. I will strive to put more time into the most important relationship there is - my relationship with God.

So what's easier said than done?

James 1:2-3 " My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations (various trials); knowing this, that the trying (testing) of your faith worketh (produces) patience." 

Wow! Really? 

You want me to "count it all joy" when my daughter has died? 

Now, it's not saying that I should rejoice because my daughter died. But I should rejoice in that through this trial, if I persevere, I will come out on the other side more like Christ.

2 Peter 1:6 "And to knowledge temperance (self-control); and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;"

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed (does not disappoint); because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."  

Either way, it's still hard. Most days, it is encouraging and helpful to hear from others, that we have helped them in some way. And that's what the rejoicing is all about. Rejoicing that God is being glorified through this awful trial. That I'm growing in Him and allowing Him to work through me.

BUT... that's not always the case. There are some days where I don't care. All I care about is that my daughter is gone. That's great that other people are getting their lives together because of something I've said, but that doesn't bring Hope back.

That's my battle. It's easy to get mad and bitter (and I'll admit that I am both at times). But that doesn't help. And that definitely doesn't bring Hope back either. So I take it one day at a time, and that's what you should do as well. Just because you've had a bad day and you're angry and bitter, don't think that you've failed. Tomorrow is a new day. Choose to allow God to use you. Choose to bring glory to God through your trials.

Lord, I want to be more like You. I want to come out on the other side a better Christian. I want to bring you glory. But right now, I am in the middle of the storm. Some days are good, but other days I struggle to keep my head above water. I need your grace and strength to make it through on top. Please give me that grace and strength. 

"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee."  Psalm 143:8 

Don't cry over spilled milk.

That seems simple enough, right? Wrong.

I've lost count of how many times I've cried over stupid, simple, insignificant things in the past 6 months. I haven't cried over spilled milk yet (because I haven't spilled any), but I have cried over ruined dinners, spilling beads all over the floor, dropping an almost completed necklace and having to string it all over again, and the list goes on.

Many people have said that it's just the overwhelming sense of grief just coming to the surface at that moment. I don't believe that's the case, though I have had that happen.

Overwhelmed...

One of the meanings for overwhelmed is "buried or drowned beneath a huge mass." That's a pretty accurate description.

When I ruin a meal and start to cry, it's not because the grief just comes flooding back. No, it's because my emotions are on overdrive (to say the least), and anything that comes up that I'm not prepared for sends me over the edge.

It overwhelms me.
My chest tightens up.
I feel like I have a brick on top of me.
I start to cry.

It's been over 6 months now. I don't ALWAYS cry over a ruined dinner or spilled beads anymore, but my chest still tightens up and I have to remind myself to take deep breaths to calm myself down.

What overwhelms me? A LOT.

Maybe one day I'll be back to the Maegan that everyone knows and loves. But for now, you're stuck with me. Quiet, anti-social, and guarded me.

Do you struggle with being overwhelmed? Pray with me. Pray that God will give you the grace and the peace and the strength you need to overcome.

2 Thessalonians 3:16
"Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all."

You're not the only one...

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Losing a child is one of the worst things you can possibly go through and the pain you feel is, at times, all consuming. It is not something you can control. It is not something you just make go away.

I had my very first anxiety attack today. What brought it on, you ask? Other than the horrible thought that my daughter is dead and it will (more than likely) be a long time before I get to see her again in Heaven? Other than the constant reminder that I'll never get to watch her grow up, get married, have children of her own?
Nothing.
I was sitting in Logan's Roadhouse having a nice conversation with my parents about something completely unrelated. I had been somewhat antsy all afternoon when if finally came to a head and I had to excuse myself from the restaurant before I made a scene. I made it out to the truck and called my husband before I completely lost it. It wasn't pretty. I was crying uncontrollably. I could barely breathe...

Why am I telling you this? Why am I sharing something that is so personal and shows how vulnerable I am right now? It's not because I want to. In fact, I'm somewhat embarrassed by it.

I'm telling you, because I want you to know that you're not the only one.  You're not crazy. You're not alone.

Grief is a process. Unfortunately, sometimes it can be a long one. Yes, there are wrong and harmful ways to deal with it and express it. But do not feel like, just because you've had an anxiety attack or something similar, that you're doing something wrong or that you're not "handling" it properly. It takes time. Give yourself time. Pray that God will give you the strength to make it through and the peace of knowing that He is in control. (Preaching to myself here.)

Romans 15:13
"Now the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in HOPE, through the power of the Holy Ghost."

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today I fell in love for the second time. This time it was with my precious baby who had already been growing inside of me for 10 days. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Friday, March 11, 2011

I woke up early today so that I could take the pregnancy test before Nathan got out of bed. I was so excited. This could be the day! It seemed like a really long wait for the results.

Two lines! It was positive!

I couldn't believe it! I was actually pregnant. I had been waiting for this moment for so long! I was ecstatic.

I had to calm down though, because I wanted to come up with a really neat way to surprise Nathan. I got straight in the shower to give myself another 20 minutes to calm down.

I pulled it off. Nathan had no clue! He left for work, so now I had about 8-9 hours to figure out what I was doing.

My first idea was that I was going to show him a picture of myself with an arrow pointing to my belly. So I got my camera put on self-timer and took my picture. 

Well, it's Friday, so even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I went grocery shopping (Friday was my shopping day back then). I went as fast as I could and had such a hard time not telling everyone I passed - the cashier, some random lady in the parking lot... I made it through Winco, dropped my stuff off at home and then headed to Wal-Mart to print off my picture (and look and baby stuff!). 

While I was there, I picked up a cute pair of white baby shoes. Our baby's first pair of shoes. That was my second idea. Wrap up the baby shoes and give them to Nathan. 

Neither one of these ideas really seemed like the right one. What could I do? It had to be special. It finally hit me around noon. 

I'd make a video for Nathan with pictures from the beginning of our relationship until now, ending with the above picture with an arrow pointing to my belly and the picture of the positive test. 

That was it! It was perfect! 

I spent the next few hours (I'm not sure how long it took, but it took a long time) making this video. Nathan called around 5 or 6 to tell me he was going to be late. Good, I have some more time to make this perfect. It took much longer than I thought it would have and it was still not finished when he got home. I told him some story to distract him and sent him off to take a LONG shower. It worked. He still had no clue. 

It was finally finished! Not quite perfect, because the pictures went by a little too fast, but it still worked. Nathan sat through the whole slide show believing that this was a random thing I had decided to do (I do enjoy making them, so it was not an unbelievable story). It got to the end, and I think he was in shock. 

"Seriously?" 

That was the first thing he said. He, too, was very excited! We probably sat on the couch for 30 minutes or so just talking and dreaming. Looking forward to the day when we could hold our baby in our arms. And of course, celebrating with sparkling cider and ice cream. :-) 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

As you all know, those dreams did not come true. Hope died before we ever got to see her or hold her. But she has changed our lives forever. She is and always will be a part of this family. It's been almost 4 months since she was born and I am still struggling with this loss. 4 months might seem like a long time for some of you. And I'm sure many of you probably think we should just move on. It's not going to happen. We will never be the same. This is something we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. We will learn to cope with it, yes, but we will never get over it. 

Psalm 55:6-8 "And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would i wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest."

Count your blessings.

I really do have so much to be thankful for. Every day I remind myself of my blessings.

Unfortunately, the loss of my daughter seems to outweigh them all right now. But God didn't tell us to be thankful only when things were good. He told us to give thanks in everything. And why should we not continue to be thankful through the hard times? Christ DIED for us, we can always be thankful for that.

So today, I'm going to share with you just some of the things that I am thankful for.

• First and foremost, I'm thankful for God's love and the sacrifice He made for me so that I could spend an eternity in Heaven. I'm thankful that He cares about me and He knows and understand my pain. I'm thankful for the strength that He gives me to get through each day. 
• I'm thankful for my WONDERFUL husband who has stood by me this whole time. I'm thankful for a husband who works hard, makes me laugh, and leads by a godly example. I'm thankful for a husband who takes good care of me. I'm thankful for Nathaniel Dale Lewis! 

• I'm thankful for my family (in-laws INCLUDED), who have stood by us and helped us in so many ways. Not just since Hope's death. Our families have always been there for us: helping us and encouraging us. 

• I am thankful for my friends - old and new. I'm thankful for my 2 bestest friends. My friends who just listen to my when I cry and on occasion cry with me. My friends who make me laugh when I feel like I have nothing to even smile about. I'm thankful for the friends who have recently reached out to me. Those friends who have taken the time to tell me they have not forgotten me and they have not forgotten Hope. The friends who have continued to pray for me. I'm thankful for those whom I have never met before, who have also reached out to me and encouraged me. I'm thankful for my new angel mommy friends. They remind me that I'm not alone. They understand me and understand what I'm going through like no one else can. 

• I am thankful for God's provision. 
• This may sound funny, but I'm thankful for my hobbies/businesses. They keep me busy and my mind occupied. 
• And I am thankful for my daughter and the 9 months that God allowed me to carry her. 

I could name so many other blessings right that God has blessed me with, but I think I covered most of the big ones. 

God has blessed you in many ways as well. Don't forget to be thankful. 

I Thessalonians 5:18a "In everything give thanks..." 

My Valentine

I am not the only one dealing with the death of Hope. I am not the only one that misses her. I am not alone. My husband has stood by me the entire time. Helping me. Encouraging me. Holding me. He, too, is grieving the loss of his daughter. Today, my post is about him. About my Valentine.

I wasn't planning on this, but I'm actually going to post our "love story."

My husband and I met in college through a mutual friend (second semester of our Sophomore year). Let's just say I wasn't impressed. He was your typical Sophomore guy and I did NOT like him. We went on one date that semester, where he quickly realized that I wasn't interested. He was in my group of friends so we actually hung out quite a bit. By the end of that semester, it was obvious he was interested and on the last day of school, he proceeded to tell me so. I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not like him, BUT that I had no idea what the future held and that I would not "close the door" on the idea. If God wanted us together, I knew He could change my mind. But again, I made it very clear, I was NOT interested. We went out separate ways (me to Louisiana and him to Ohio) and did not keep in touch over the summer.

The next semester, I spent little time with that group of friends, but somehow Nathan always seemed to pop up, including having the chapel seat right in front of me closer to the end of the semester. It was obvious he was still interested in me and I tried to make it very clear that I was still NOT interested in him. As that school year progressed and went on to Senior year, we spent more and more time together - including lunch almost every day because he was the only one of my friends with that lunch hour (funny how God works things out like that). I still did not like him, but he was quickly becoming a good friend. 

I continued telling myself and everyone else that I did not like him. He was not for me. We had too many differences. He was a great guy, but I did NOT like him.

One thing I really appreciate about my husband is that he didn't push me. He respected me and my feelings. Something that is very important to me. If he would have tried to pressure me, we would not have become such good friends, and I would not have changed my mind about liking him. 

Spring semester of our Senior year rolls around. It was that semester that I started to doubt my resolve to not like Nathan. 

There was one last formal event of the semester and though I still told myself I didn't like him, Nathan was the only guy that I wanted to go with. "He's just a good friend," I kept telling myself. I remember giving him hints, trying to get him to ask me. Finally coming to the conclusion that he had finally given up (who could blame him). He did finally ask me (thanks to a very good friend of his and now mine - you know who you are - THANK YOU!). It took him so long to ask me that I had already agreed to go with one of the girls on my floor. I told him if he wanted to take me, he'd have to take both of us. 

It was that night that I really started to rethink my decision to not like him. 

When my friend and I walked out of the dorm, he was waiting there with flowers. Not just for me. He had also bought a flower for my friend. I was impressed. What a gentleman. 

I remember a friend of mine coming up to me (while Nathan was standing right there) and asking me if he was my boyfriend. AWKWARD!  I, of course, told her that he was JUST a friend. It was the first time I actually regretted saying it.   

Well, he got the hint. The next day was graduation. There was no long goodbye. No, "we'll keep in touch." --"Bye." That was it. I turned around and walked away feeling somewhat hurt that there wasn't more. What did I expect? I had made it quite clear the night before that I was STILL not interested. 

I went home and my mom (I love that woman!) wouldn't let it rest. "What about Nathan?" "I don't know." I kept telling her. But after 4 days of being home and not hearing from Nathan, I was so excited when I got an e-mail from him (thank you Car & Driver). My mom finally told me that if I was interested in the least, I needed to tell him. 

How do you tell a guy you've rejected for the last 2 1/2 years that you are now actually interested in him? Well, I prayed... A LOT. I didn't want to just come right out and say it out of the blue. We e-mailed back and forth for a few days while I waited for the right time. It finally came and I ended the e-mail by saying, "Do remember the conversation we had at the end of Sophomore year when I said I'd keep the door open? Well, it's still open." 

FOUR DAYS!!!! It took him 4 days to respond to that e-mail. 4 very long days. 

From there, we started talking on the phone. I think our first phone conversation was May 28th or 29th. He came to visit me for my birthday and it was that weekend (July 14th) we decided we were going to get married. He flew me up to Ohio the first weekend in August to meet his family and that is when we got engaged. 3 weeks after we decided to get married and only about 9 weeks after we started "talking." 

When you know, you know. 

We were married almost exactly a year later. The happiest day of my life.

Now 2 years, 6 months, and 13 days later, I am more in love with husband today than I was the day I married him. I have not, for one minute, regretted marrying him. I would do it again in a heartbeat. He is perfect for me. No, not perfect - perfect for me. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. 

He is loving. He is caring. He is a hard worker. He is a godly example. He is kind. He is giving. -- Just to name a few. 

Many nights over the last 3 months, he has held me while I have cried myself to sleep. He has been so understanding on my down days. He has helped me so much! I wish I could put into words how much he means to me. There are no words to describe it. I love him with all of my heart. My one true love. My Valentine. 

"One shoe can change your life." - Cinderella

My handsome man!

"I do." ... Today and every day.

I love you Nathaniel Dale Lewis. Happy Valentine's Day!