A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today I fell in love for the second time. This time it was with my precious baby who had already been growing inside of me for 10 days. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Friday, March 11, 2011

I woke up early today so that I could take the pregnancy test before Nathan got out of bed. I was so excited. This could be the day! It seemed like a really long wait for the results.

Two lines! It was positive!

I couldn't believe it! I was actually pregnant. I had been waiting for this moment for so long! I was ecstatic.

I had to calm down though, because I wanted to come up with a really neat way to surprise Nathan. I got straight in the shower to give myself another 20 minutes to calm down.

I pulled it off. Nathan had no clue! He left for work, so now I had about 8-9 hours to figure out what I was doing.

My first idea was that I was going to show him a picture of myself with an arrow pointing to my belly. So I got my camera put on self-timer and took my picture. 

Well, it's Friday, so even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I went grocery shopping (Friday was my shopping day back then). I went as fast as I could and had such a hard time not telling everyone I passed - the cashier, some random lady in the parking lot... I made it through Winco, dropped my stuff off at home and then headed to Wal-Mart to print off my picture (and look and baby stuff!). 

While I was there, I picked up a cute pair of white baby shoes. Our baby's first pair of shoes. That was my second idea. Wrap up the baby shoes and give them to Nathan. 

Neither one of these ideas really seemed like the right one. What could I do? It had to be special. It finally hit me around noon. 

I'd make a video for Nathan with pictures from the beginning of our relationship until now, ending with the above picture with an arrow pointing to my belly and the picture of the positive test. 

That was it! It was perfect! 

I spent the next few hours (I'm not sure how long it took, but it took a long time) making this video. Nathan called around 5 or 6 to tell me he was going to be late. Good, I have some more time to make this perfect. It took much longer than I thought it would have and it was still not finished when he got home. I told him some story to distract him and sent him off to take a LONG shower. It worked. He still had no clue. 

It was finally finished! Not quite perfect, because the pictures went by a little too fast, but it still worked. Nathan sat through the whole slide show believing that this was a random thing I had decided to do (I do enjoy making them, so it was not an unbelievable story). It got to the end, and I think he was in shock. 

"Seriously?" 

That was the first thing he said. He, too, was very excited! We probably sat on the couch for 30 minutes or so just talking and dreaming. Looking forward to the day when we could hold our baby in our arms. And of course, celebrating with sparkling cider and ice cream. :-) 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

As you all know, those dreams did not come true. Hope died before we ever got to see her or hold her. But she has changed our lives forever. She is and always will be a part of this family. It's been almost 4 months since she was born and I am still struggling with this loss. 4 months might seem like a long time for some of you. And I'm sure many of you probably think we should just move on. It's not going to happen. We will never be the same. This is something we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. We will learn to cope with it, yes, but we will never get over it. 

Psalm 55:6-8 "And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would i wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest."

Count your blessings.

I really do have so much to be thankful for. Every day I remind myself of my blessings.

Unfortunately, the loss of my daughter seems to outweigh them all right now. But God didn't tell us to be thankful only when things were good. He told us to give thanks in everything. And why should we not continue to be thankful through the hard times? Christ DIED for us, we can always be thankful for that.

So today, I'm going to share with you just some of the things that I am thankful for.

• First and foremost, I'm thankful for God's love and the sacrifice He made for me so that I could spend an eternity in Heaven. I'm thankful that He cares about me and He knows and understand my pain. I'm thankful for the strength that He gives me to get through each day. 
• I'm thankful for my WONDERFUL husband who has stood by me this whole time. I'm thankful for a husband who works hard, makes me laugh, and leads by a godly example. I'm thankful for a husband who takes good care of me. I'm thankful for Nathaniel Dale Lewis! 

• I'm thankful for my family (in-laws INCLUDED), who have stood by us and helped us in so many ways. Not just since Hope's death. Our families have always been there for us: helping us and encouraging us. 

• I am thankful for my friends - old and new. I'm thankful for my 2 bestest friends. My friends who just listen to my when I cry and on occasion cry with me. My friends who make me laugh when I feel like I have nothing to even smile about. I'm thankful for the friends who have recently reached out to me. Those friends who have taken the time to tell me they have not forgotten me and they have not forgotten Hope. The friends who have continued to pray for me. I'm thankful for those whom I have never met before, who have also reached out to me and encouraged me. I'm thankful for my new angel mommy friends. They remind me that I'm not alone. They understand me and understand what I'm going through like no one else can. 

• I am thankful for God's provision. 
• This may sound funny, but I'm thankful for my hobbies/businesses. They keep me busy and my mind occupied. 
• And I am thankful for my daughter and the 9 months that God allowed me to carry her. 

I could name so many other blessings right that God has blessed me with, but I think I covered most of the big ones. 

God has blessed you in many ways as well. Don't forget to be thankful. 

I Thessalonians 5:18a "In everything give thanks..." 

My Valentine

I am not the only one dealing with the death of Hope. I am not the only one that misses her. I am not alone. My husband has stood by me the entire time. Helping me. Encouraging me. Holding me. He, too, is grieving the loss of his daughter. Today, my post is about him. About my Valentine.

I wasn't planning on this, but I'm actually going to post our "love story."

My husband and I met in college through a mutual friend (second semester of our Sophomore year). Let's just say I wasn't impressed. He was your typical Sophomore guy and I did NOT like him. We went on one date that semester, where he quickly realized that I wasn't interested. He was in my group of friends so we actually hung out quite a bit. By the end of that semester, it was obvious he was interested and on the last day of school, he proceeded to tell me so. I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not like him, BUT that I had no idea what the future held and that I would not "close the door" on the idea. If God wanted us together, I knew He could change my mind. But again, I made it very clear, I was NOT interested. We went out separate ways (me to Louisiana and him to Ohio) and did not keep in touch over the summer.

The next semester, I spent little time with that group of friends, but somehow Nathan always seemed to pop up, including having the chapel seat right in front of me closer to the end of the semester. It was obvious he was still interested in me and I tried to make it very clear that I was still NOT interested in him. As that school year progressed and went on to Senior year, we spent more and more time together - including lunch almost every day because he was the only one of my friends with that lunch hour (funny how God works things out like that). I still did not like him, but he was quickly becoming a good friend. 

I continued telling myself and everyone else that I did not like him. He was not for me. We had too many differences. He was a great guy, but I did NOT like him.

One thing I really appreciate about my husband is that he didn't push me. He respected me and my feelings. Something that is very important to me. If he would have tried to pressure me, we would not have become such good friends, and I would not have changed my mind about liking him. 

Spring semester of our Senior year rolls around. It was that semester that I started to doubt my resolve to not like Nathan. 

There was one last formal event of the semester and though I still told myself I didn't like him, Nathan was the only guy that I wanted to go with. "He's just a good friend," I kept telling myself. I remember giving him hints, trying to get him to ask me. Finally coming to the conclusion that he had finally given up (who could blame him). He did finally ask me (thanks to a very good friend of his and now mine - you know who you are - THANK YOU!). It took him so long to ask me that I had already agreed to go with one of the girls on my floor. I told him if he wanted to take me, he'd have to take both of us. 

It was that night that I really started to rethink my decision to not like him. 

When my friend and I walked out of the dorm, he was waiting there with flowers. Not just for me. He had also bought a flower for my friend. I was impressed. What a gentleman. 

I remember a friend of mine coming up to me (while Nathan was standing right there) and asking me if he was my boyfriend. AWKWARD!  I, of course, told her that he was JUST a friend. It was the first time I actually regretted saying it.   

Well, he got the hint. The next day was graduation. There was no long goodbye. No, "we'll keep in touch." --"Bye." That was it. I turned around and walked away feeling somewhat hurt that there wasn't more. What did I expect? I had made it quite clear the night before that I was STILL not interested. 

I went home and my mom (I love that woman!) wouldn't let it rest. "What about Nathan?" "I don't know." I kept telling her. But after 4 days of being home and not hearing from Nathan, I was so excited when I got an e-mail from him (thank you Car & Driver). My mom finally told me that if I was interested in the least, I needed to tell him. 

How do you tell a guy you've rejected for the last 2 1/2 years that you are now actually interested in him? Well, I prayed... A LOT. I didn't want to just come right out and say it out of the blue. We e-mailed back and forth for a few days while I waited for the right time. It finally came and I ended the e-mail by saying, "Do remember the conversation we had at the end of Sophomore year when I said I'd keep the door open? Well, it's still open." 

FOUR DAYS!!!! It took him 4 days to respond to that e-mail. 4 very long days. 

From there, we started talking on the phone. I think our first phone conversation was May 28th or 29th. He came to visit me for my birthday and it was that weekend (July 14th) we decided we were going to get married. He flew me up to Ohio the first weekend in August to meet his family and that is when we got engaged. 3 weeks after we decided to get married and only about 9 weeks after we started "talking." 

When you know, you know. 

We were married almost exactly a year later. The happiest day of my life.

Now 2 years, 6 months, and 13 days later, I am more in love with husband today than I was the day I married him. I have not, for one minute, regretted marrying him. I would do it again in a heartbeat. He is perfect for me. No, not perfect - perfect for me. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. 

He is loving. He is caring. He is a hard worker. He is a godly example. He is kind. He is giving. -- Just to name a few. 

Many nights over the last 3 months, he has held me while I have cried myself to sleep. He has been so understanding on my down days. He has helped me so much! I wish I could put into words how much he means to me. There are no words to describe it. I love him with all of my heart. My one true love. My Valentine. 

"One shoe can change your life." - Cinderella

My handsome man!

"I do." ... Today and every day.

I love you Nathaniel Dale Lewis. Happy Valentine's Day! 

From Where I Stand

I've had a couple of people comment about not seeing any new blog posts recently. I guess things have just been the same. Good days, bad days, up and down. I stay busy with my businesses and my Hope page. Ya'll don't need to be board by my day to day life.

Life goes on, though I still feel like my world has come to a screeching halt. It's been about 2.5 months since Hope passed away. I don't think it ever really gets any easier. I think you just start to learn how to deal with the pain. There is never a day and very few moments where I do not think about my daughter and what could have been. I miss her dearly.

I'm sure some people feel like it's been long enough. It's time for us to get back to all of the things we used to do.  I'm here to say, that 2.5 months is not a long time. The pain is still very close.

My heart is broken. 2.5 months cannot fix that.

I'm very thankful for the people that God has placed in my life. My husband is an amazing support and comfort to me. My best friend has been a God-send. And I've met two other angel mommies that I can't even begin to say how much they've encouraged me through this last month. And I'm thankful that the people who have said the wrong thing, are few and far between.

For those of you who want to know What You Should (and Shouldn’t) Say to Someone Who has Lost a Baby, that is a well written blog post you should check out.

I try to visit Hope at least once a week. Again, it is something that I never understood before (visiting and decorating a grave), but I do it. She's still my daughter. And though I know she isn't here any more, it's one of the ways I grieve. In some weird way, it makes me feel better visiting her and bringing things to make her grave not look so empty.

I actually visited Hope three times last week. The third visit, I went because a friend of mine had stopped by and left a rose for Hope. That was all the reason I needed to go out for another visit. It meant so much to me that she took time out of her day to visit my precious daughter.

I seem to end up at the cemetery at sunset almost every time. As I stand there, I look behind me to see the beautiful picture God has painted in the sky. I know He is there with me. I know He still loves me. I know He is still carrying me through.

The view from where I stand.

 

Psalm 42:5 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance."

Remembering...

One of my new pasts times is editing photos of Hope. I could stare at her pictures for hours. I thought I'd just share a few of those with you (or maybe a lot of them).

Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my baby girl. The days are slowly getting easier, but there are still some rough times. One day at a time. 

Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord."

Visiting Hope

I try to visit Hope's grave at least once a week. I've been wanted to bring something to decorate her grave with but haven't found anything until recently. I was very disappointed that I didn't get around to it for Christmas. We all went a few days after Christmas and the two graves next to hers were decorated. Hope's grave just looked so cold and lonely.  

Last Monday (1/9/12), I visited Hope with a friend of mine and finally brought her something. I found this "Love" piece at Michael's and had to get it. I do love my baby girl! The heart w/ a bird on it came from my friend. 

I Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:"

I might not have been able to keep Hope, but I prayed for her and God gave her to me. She was God's gift to me and I will cherish her forever.

I will always love you, Hope Ann Lewis!

Real life

1/3/12

The holidays are over and it's back to real life. I was not ready for this. It was another hard day. The original plan was for me to go back to work as a nanny, but it didn't end up working out that way. I think, in the end, it's a blessing. In a way, I would have liked to have gone back to work. But I know that I'm not ready yet. I think it's for the best.

I went to visit Hope today. It was a very hard day. I miss her so much. I don't remember how long I stayed at the cemetery, but it was quite awhile. When I finally got in the car to go, I couldn't leave. I was crying so hard., I wouldn't have been able to see to drive. I sat in my car for another good 15 minutes just crying and looking at her grave. I didn't want to leave her. I know that it is just her body there. Her soul, what makes her who she is, is in Heaven now. But I feel close to her there.

As I'm sitting in the car, I look down at my feet and notice something. I bent over to pick it up. It was a  little angel. It belongs on an anklet, but it had fallen off a few weeks ago and I couldn't find it. Of all the days and places to find it. I felt like it was God's timing. God reminding me that my baby was with Him. That she is perfect and happy now. I still miss her like crazy, but at least I know she is taken care of and I will see her again someday.

1/4/12

Four days in and 2012 is still not looking good. I can't get out of this slump.

I spend a lot of time working on my new community page on Facebook talking to other women that have also lost a child. It is encouraging to know that I'm not alone. It is also encouraging to know that I can help others. Since I've started my blog and my Facebook page, I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from others saying that they have been helped and encouraged.

Another instance of God's perfect timing.

About a week or so ago, we had a package slip in the mail saying we had two packages waiting for us at the Post Office. When Nathan went to pick them up, they only gave him one. Well, I finally went out to see if it was a typo on the paper or if there was another package for me.

They did have another package for me.

A very dear friend of mine that I haven't seen in awhile sent me this beautiful vase. It was perfect timing. I love it.

This gift came a few weeks back, but it was on another day that I was really struggling.

Angel's Embrace

It reminds me that Hope is in Heaven with the angels. She is not suffering. She is in having a wonderful time singing praises to her Savior.

God knows our every need and He is always watching over us. I'm so thankful He is with me now. I continually see His love through the little blessings and reminders He sends.

Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:17-18 "The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.